Seeing too far & too clearly...

I made a comment yesterday in Kristina's Autismland blog that I found myself trying to live up to yesterday... :) It concerned trying to stay off the roller-coaster of reacting to every individual event by looking at the gestalt, or big picture, of our life. B had a difficult afternoon at school yesterday, topped off by realising when we were leaving that he'd misplaced his lunchbox. We looked around the 3rd floor, checked the lost & found, & by the time we got back to his classroom one of the other teachers had found it by the lego station in her room. B was sitting on the landing at the top of the stairs because he was so stressed that he couldn't come back to the classroom area. I thanked the teacher profusely, collected B, & we left... not before he had a good head-knock on a locker, which I tried to re-direct toward my relatively softer shoulder. As he was getting in the car he began to tic loudly (the one-on-one aide of a classmate, who has become a major tic trigger, was going out to her car, too) & then dumped himself into the seat & started sobbing. He was utterly distraught about school, & somewhat incoherent, but every time I tried to introduce another topic to distract him, he'd start sobbing again. Sigh. He calmed down when he remembered that we had ramune at home for snack.

I hoped that sipping ramune together would help him recover from his day, but there was so much on his mind that he started crying again when he was done with the drink. I led him into the living room so that we could sit & hug & talk. Unfortunately, B went into meltdown mode when he got to the sofa, but I hauled him back up on the sofa from the floor & put my arms around him & told him he could cry but not melt down (so many of his meltdowns happen on the sofa, because it's soft & safe, that C & I have decided that sometimes just being on the sofa can precipitate a meltdown). He seemed to accept this & started sobbing & moaning about how horrible school is. He said that the whole purpose of 5th grade is to prepare him for high school, where there's tests & detention ("ok, too much Kim Possible" I thought...), & what's the point of going someplace where you can't learn what you want to? Why do people have to go to school so they can learn to get a job & make money so they can live? Why is everything based on money anyway? Why can't he learn by himself, learn what he wants to? Even in his favourite classes like science he has to spend time writing or typing, why can't he just enjoy learning things? His conclusion was that he hates the way the universe is set up & doesn't want to live in it...

It was clearly not a time to try to reality-check him or make pollyanna observations about the way things could be different. It was time to listen. I did mention that I had to write the results of my experiments when I was a scientist, so I could share them with others, but basically I think that his points were much more global... One thing I think that B was saying is that school is not being fun right now. He's not finding the joy in learning now that the ante's been upped & there are more expectations of him. He's heard very clearly that many of the things they will be learning in 5th-8th grade are specifically to prepare them for high school. I think that B is still too overwhelmed by the changes this year (new floor, new classroom, new kids) & higher expectations to be ready to meet the challenges. I'm wondering if he's feeling insecure about his ability to be successful, not only in school but in his life. I wonder if he's telling us that we need to meet him in the middle, rather than keep upping the expectations, particularly when it comes to communication (writing & typing). Although it was clear that B was experiencing some extreme feelings, I think that many of his concerns were right on target.

After he wound down, I told him simply that I was sorry that the universe seemed an awful place to live, because I couldn't imagine a universe without him... & he said he couldn't imagine universe without me or Rufus, which got us both crying. When we were calmer I decided to change the subject by confessing to him that I'd put a photo of Skitty in the blog yesterday (he was hugging Rufus & Skitty through it all) & he perked up & wanted to know why. So I explained that I'd been writing about how he was telling Skitty about things & I thought everyone should see how cute Skitty is. He smiled at that & made Skitty noises ("neh! neh!") & soon he was ready to move on... He asked me to sit with him while he played the bionicle game, so I got my knitting & sat with him a while, but it was obvious that he'd reached an impasse with the game, & eventually he made the very wise decision to do something else on the computer...

The rest of the evening went well. We had leftover pizza for dinner which was a real crowd-pleaser :) B had a bath, legoed (he's trying to recreate all of the rahi from the game), & played some more on the computer before it was time for story & sleep. We are getting to some intense parts of "Over Sea, Under Stone", so I read a bit extra so he'd feel some resolution before falling asleep. After he was asleep, C & I sat & processed B's day. We both came to the conclusion that our B sees too far ahead & too clearly for comfort (his or ours). Grandma called it "borrowing trouble" :) As admirable as it is for him to be so perceptive, we don't want him making himself crazy with worry about the future. C reminded me that one day's woes don't make for a whole school year (remember the gestalt thing?). I just want B to find a sense of comfort with where he is at school because I think that will lead him back to the joy. I want us to be open to the possibility that he may need to find alternate ways to communicate his learning- tape recorder? voice-activated computer typing?- & not assume that the way everyone else does things is ok for him... I began to consider home-schooling for high-school (C says it's too early to decide, but I want it to be well into my consciousness by the time we have to :). I don't want him isolated from others because a lot of his learning comes from other kids. I just want him to feel competent & happy.

B was ready for school this morning, in spite of his upset yesterday. We filled out his engine chart & he made toast himself for his breakfast. So far, he still has trust in school & the possibility that good things can happen, thank goodness. On the way to school we talked about how the attitude with which you apporach something can affect what actually happens. I told him that I try to put myself in a positive state of mind & only imagine the things I want to happen (not the "nots") when I go into unfamilar situations. I told him that trying to see the humourous sides of things can really help, too, & we reminisced about my fall at the grocery store a couple weeks ago & how it had ended-up being funny. B was giggling at the things that had happened (scaring the lady next to me when I fell, ending up with a lap full of ice) & what I'd been thinking when it happened, which I think contriubuted to it turning out to be funny. When we got to school I made sure Cherie knew some of what we'd talked about yesterday, & she told me that they are working hard to clean out a broom cupboard so that it can be turned into a private/safe space for B to work in when he's overwhelmed. (It's right outside her office) B went into his morning knowing that I'd be picking him up early today, per our agreement, & that we'd be off to McDonald's for the next part of the bionicle promo, before going to see his psychiatrist at 3:00. Somehow, I suspect that'll get him through a fair amount of what school throws at him today :)