Still breathing...

Life is never dull...

After 2 nights on the klonopin I can say that it seems to be helping B to sleep without succumbing to the nasty thoughts, so that's a relief. I was kind of freaked-out after reading the prescription's accompanying info, though. They say people taking this should carry a card stating that they're taking it, the dosage, etc... When I mentioned it to C he explained that B is on such a low dose that it's simply not going to be a problem. He called it a "you get what you see" kind of drug, meaning that you don't have to wait for it to become effective (like the zoloft & the seroquel). B takes it at dinner time, it works for the next 8 hours, then it's out of his system until the next dose. I feel much better...

Of course, there's still the daytime anxiety to deal with. B is doing well at camp, although we are getting more & more stories of teasing by other kids- nothing B can't handle- & are spending time every evening coaching B as to appropriate responses (mostly to ignore them, since that seems to work best). He's having a really good time with his best buddy after camp, too. Around dinner time we can see B's energy level start to flag, & after dinner it's the downhill run to bed-time.

Yesterday I made a big mistake during the pre-dinner down time... we were sitting aroung waiting for C to come home & make dinner. B couldn't settle on anything to do while he waited, so we were just idly conversing. I had been facing a dilemma- I am responsible for the charity efforts of my big spinning guild, which are on-going through the year & culminate in a final gathering of all the handmade items in November. I try to make as many meetings as possible because people spin yarn to be used by others to make things to be given away & I'm the clearinghouse for it all. I've missed the last 2 meetings due to vacation & illness & really wanted to go this Saturday. However, I forgot that C's sailing (racing) is on Saturdays this summer. He hasn't been able to go the past 2 weeks because he's been working, & the sailing is his main sanity activity, so I want him to go as much as he can... In my mind, I imagined B going to my spinning meeting with me, maybe doing some spinning on the wheel or on his spindle, or maybe just sitting quietly & reading or listening to a tape. I brought this idea to B during our down time, explaining that he'd be helping me out a lot by going with me, being a co-operative member of the family... I had no idea how awfully he'd respond to this idea. He was dead set against it & I was really disappointed. I couldn't understand why he didn't want to help me out, why he couldn't see the bigger picture. I wish someone would explain to me when kids are developmentally ready for this kind of give & take- B can seem so mature & understanding sometimes & I thought he would understand how important it was to me. I tried very hard not to guilt-trip him while still explaining my point of view. B's body language became very angry- he moved away from me & it made me sad. I wondered if he was angry with me for making the request. He ended-up simply freaking out. The tics became more & more explosive & he started moaning & screaming, hitting himself in the head & rolled up in a fetal position on the sofa. I ended-up apologising & telling him it was my fault for asking (C was home by then & was there to support both of us). B finally came down, but kept insisting it was his fault, that he was a "bastard" (arrgh, language!) for not wanting to do it... I finally told him I didn't think it was anybody's fault, really. I didn't realise how much it would upset him & he didn't either. He accepted this, & then we finally broke through the other side when he blew his nose & showed me the snots, which grossed me out, which made him giggle... We got dinner & medicine in him, then decided to watch a pokemon movie after dinner, until bedtime. B was able to tell me he was ready for bed before the movie was over, which was great. I read to him for about 20 minutes & he was asleep.

C & I processed the disaster after B was asleep. I was still very bewildered & feeling very guilty for precipitating this episode with B (I'm the one who's supposed to be helping, not hurting...). We decided that, in spite of B's flashes of maturity & ability, he is nonetheless a child with disabilities & we can't forget this, ever. His disabilities are multiple, not just with motor/fine motor/sensory components, but definitely with emotional barriers & boundaries that can't yet be crossed. It made me feel as though life had put the fences closer around me- uncomfortably close. This morning, though, as B got ready for camp & gleefully unwrapped some pokemon cards he had earned through our behavioural charting (& believe me,. they didn't come easily this time around... B's life has been complicated), I was struck by how fortunate I am to have a kid that can go to camp all day, enjoy playing with friends, likes to do summer stuff with me. I can take him on errands & grocery shopping. Life could be a lot more constricted than it is- so I am holding this thought & trying to appreciate what I have. I put out a call to my spinning guild friends, asking for someone to collect the charity stuff for me & let everybody know I'm still alive :) I've already had a response, so that's taken care of. Sometimes it's weird being the mom of a kid on the spectrum. They can fool you- one minute behaving as thought they can handle anything & the next making it very clear that you have a child with a disability on your hands.... I've had a rude awakening, but no harm seems to have been done. We happily discussed Star Trek on the way to camp this morning & I realised that the 4th movie, the "Save the Whales" one, would be fabulous for B, so I told him a bit about it (& ordered it this morning after I got home). Life is back to normal for us...