Just ducky days... :)

Here are a couple of pictures of the Pythagoras Switch-inspired, Rube Goldberg-type contraption that Brendan & Ck made last week.

I was particularly inpressed by the row of dominoes that climbed a block staircase in order to push a Thomas-train down the track & launch the lego projectile-thrower through a hoop :)

"Just ducky" is a pretty good description of how things are going lately. We've had 3 "Camp Ck" days so far & the guys are having a great time. Today they visited the science museum in the morning & took apart the old printer in the afternoon (I have yet to look at Brendan's room, but they did do the take-apart on newspaper, at my request, so hopefully there will be no maternal screaming when I do go up & look :).

Over the weekend Brendan & Charlie spent a lot of time together. Charlie is borrowing a boat from a fleet member who can't sail this summer (having sold his right before we left for Japan & not found a replacement yet), so he went to get it on Saturday morning, to take it to the club & rig it & get used to it. Brendan originally wasn't interested in going with Charlie, but when the idea was offered of fishing down at the club while dad worked on the boat, Brendan went for it. He hasn't been fishing since we got home from Japan & was ready to get out there (the fish are trembling :). He had a pretty good time, according to Charlie, even though the fish weren't biting. Of course, there was a side-trip for fries & a shake, which always sweetens the deal :) Later, when Charlie detailed the day to me, he mentioned that Brendan did spend a fair amount of time sitting in the car, which surprised me a bit. Basically, when the situation turned social (while picking up the boat, etc.) Brendan opted to sit in the car. Charlie said he seemed perfectly happy in there, & his anxiety when out of the car wasn't very difficult to manage, so I suspect that letting Brendan choose when & how to be social (as much as we'd love him to increase social contacts) is teaching him more about self-regulation than just upping the social expectations would ever do.

They had so much fun on Saturday that Charlie proposed a fishing trip in the boat for Sunday morning. This was no small undertaking, seeing as we're talking about a 15-foot sailboat (not a motor boat) that's built for racing, not for leg room :) Charlie managed to stow not only Brendan's tackle, but lunches, snacks, & an anchor- pretty darned good. They had a nice sail & then anchored in a cove for fishing. The only problem was that Brendan is accustomed to casting while standing up, & Charlie wasn't quite sure he'd manage to do it standing up without falling out of the boat... He did (manage it). He was also wearing his life jacket, & is a deep-end, Y-certified swimmer to boot, so the potential for disaster was minimal. Brendan was happy to catch 2 little perch before they sailed back to the club.

I am finally caught-up enough with coming-home stuff that I actually found myself at loose ends on Sunday morning. I was too tired to go to church & had a nice veg instead (Charlie pointed-out later that I'm allowed the occasional veg... :). It felt weird, & it made me realised that I'm a bit at loose ends. Before we left for Japan I managed to finish a lot of projects, which leaves me facing a creative void right now. It's not a comfortable feeling at all. I've been playing around with the origami books I got in Japan & also making lavender bottles- an old-timey craft in which you take an uneven number of fresh lavender sprigs (with long stems), tie them together right under the flowers, bend the stems down over the flower-portions, & then weave ribbon around the stems to capture the flowers inside. They end-up as lavender sachets when dried. I had given my last ones away in Japan & wanted to make some more but over the past few days, every time I decided I had a few minutes & went to collect some lavender stems, it would start to rain. Really, it became pretty funny. On Friday I finally got to do it, although it did sprinkle on me as I collected the first bunch for weaving. I continued bit by bit on Saturday & Sunday & have a bunch drying now, ready to be gifts in the future :) It's really hard for me, though, when I don't have a project in the works. I've realised over the years that I get the most pleasure out of life when I make things (particularly gifts), so I need to get my act together & start planning.

Sunday afternoon Ck came over so Charlie & I could go to our sailing fleet picnic & it was fun to share pictures from Japan & chat with folks. Charlie & I arrived in our yukata (cotton kimonos) from Kyoto which was pretty funny. Brendan & Ck went out for pizza among other activities & Brendan, of course, had a great time. When Brendan is with Ck, we've noticed that his anxiety is much lower & much better controlled than when he's just at home with us. Charlie & I have been discussing this (& Brendan & I saw his psychologist last week, too, & discussed this phenomenon with him) & we feel as though this is a break-through sign. Brendan is definitely better able to handle anxiety since we've been home from Japan. Perhaps it's because we brainstormed so many new & different ways to deal with it while we were there, & now he has an even bigger repertoire of coping strategies than ever before. Maybe it's just that we were out of our rut & could see the world (including anxiety) in a different way. Brendan definitely still suffers from the anxiety, but it's a lot more predictable. He has trouble leaving the house without a context or specific motivation. If we plan to walk in the morning, or walk to a restaurant for lunch, he can do it. If we decide on the spur of the moment to take a walk after dinner, he can't. he says he needs advance notice, so we're working with him & trying to do just that. At home, he's most susceptible to "fleas" (OCD thoughts) in the morning when he wakes up & in the afternoon, between 4-6:00 (always the "witching hours" for him). Sometimes we can set a ki barrier & he's fine & sometimes he's paralysed by anxiety & literally needs a push (gently :) to get moving or do something distracting. Yesterday he couldn't get rid of them until he was eating dinner & then they were gone like magic. That said, after waking me up a couple mornings ago because of "fleas" (needing my help to cope with them) & then apologising afterward for waking me up, the next morning he told me that he'd had fleas again that morning, but he was able to take care of them himself. This is the biggest change we've seen yet, in dealing with the OCD. He's been able to find strategies to deal with them, with our help, & then much more quickly than ever before, learn to use them on his own. It feels huge. I feel like I'm holding my breath, too, hoping that things will continue in this way. Pretty amazing- & another good reason to go out & see the world :)

Yesterday morning we had our walk after breakfast (it's still been pretty cool here, after last week's horrid hot days) & then had a tough time working on our weekly schedule. Neither of us was motivated... We decided to read together one of the Kamen Rider/GekiRanger magazines that we picked up in Japan & call it japanese practise :) We also decided that it would be a good day to go out for japanese for lunch, since we have both been missing the great food in Japan. We walked to our fave restaurant, just about 10 minutes away on foot, & had a lovely lunch. On the way back home I noticed that it was getting cloudy... by the time we were a block from home it was sprinkling, & we sprinted that last few houses, Brendan giggling like mad because he's faster, & me yelling "choto mate!" ("wait up!" in japanese :). We'd left the japanese magazine on the dining room table & so we decided to spend the afternoon doing one of the projects that came with the magazine- construct the Kamen Rider "Climax Form" belt & cell-phone-shaped activator. Many manga & kid-oriented magazines in Japan come loaded with "omake", free gifts. These are sometimes actual toys & stuff, but also have cleverly designed cardboard pop-outs to construct into working toys. They come with everything but glue or tape- this one came with the bits of velcro, rubber bands, & other odds & ends needed to make the toys. We had a great time working together & the belt can actually be worn (there's a cardboard buckle that attached to the rubber bands on the belt). Brendan, who usually doesn't like craft projects, was very motivated to participate in this one, so it was a lot of fun. We chatted while we worked, on a project we'd started thinking of that morning- making a wall hanging out of the dragon pictures we took in Japan. He likes the idea of printing the photos on inkjet fabric & then piecing them together (choosing a co-ordinating fabric) into a hanging for his room. I got a walking foot for my sewing maching a few months ago & have been wanting to learn to use it. Looks like a good creative project to get me back on track :) Brendan has been wanting to sew again, & since it's all straight seams he can do a lot of it. We'll let you know how we progress :)

Japan Day 10- Mizumaki to the Onsen

This morning we didn’t wake up until 6:30! Brendan read until we all got up at 7:00. We had another lovely breakfast. Nobuko-san has very kindly been aware that Charlie doesn’t care for japanese food as much as Brendan & I do, so she’s been making him a different sort of meal for breakfasts. Yesterday he had home-baked bread (Keiko-san has a bread machine), a green salad, & miso soup. Today he had some of the pumpkin soup from last night, a plate with butter & cheese cubes, & there was an assortment of anpan (red bean paste buns) & “kuremu” pan (creme buns) along with more home-baked bread. Brendan had his usual gohan, soup, & edamame, & the rest of us had gohan, soup, and an assortment of fish cake, tamagoyaki, fresh veggies, & pickles, with grated daikon radish. Yum! Nobuko-san served some japanese peach slices, fresh from her garden, afterward (very different from american peaches) & yummy home-made yoghurt with home-made jam. All this with mugi-cha (iced barley tea), fresh-squeezed orange juice, & ryoku-cha (green tea). So many flavours & textures & colours- so amazing!

After breakfast Charlie got Brendan into the shower, & then they put some water into the tub so he could have a soak (kawaii...!). We did some packing for our weekend travels & Brendan finished his Artemis Fowl book. Just before 10:00 we piled into Nobuko-san’s car to head for a morning of shopping at a local mall. There were some things we’d been really wanting to get- things that we can’t find in the US, such as Kamen Rider Den-O paraphenalia, more dvds, & some manga. Fortunately, we found just about everything we wanted! Brendan was in Kamen Rider heaven, but was able to narrow his purchases down to the “Den-gasher” (a transformer-like tool they riders use) & an action figure of his favourite rider form. We also found 2 more pokemon movies in japanese- hooray!!- plus a Pythagoras Switch dvd -hooray! hooray!. I also found the manga I was looking for, with some help from Tomoko. We decided to eat lunch while we were there (I convinced Tomoko & her mom to let me buy them lunch), so Charlie & Brendan found pizza & the rest of us had various sorts of noodles. Yum again. Afterward, Nobuko-san took us for a look at the sea, in the town where Tomoko grew up (Ashiya), & we even drove past the middle school that she & her sister went to. The day was rainy & foggy but we still enjoyed the views of the sea & the big river that leads to it.

Back home again, Brendan played with his den-gasher while finished packing for the weekend trip & rested for a bit. Tomoko had told us that her sister had rented a van for the trip, since caravaning in 2 cars seemed too difficult. We couldn’t believe the size of the van when we saw it. It comfortably held 10 people (there were 9 of us) & all of our luggage! By japanese standards, where small is the norm, this was nearly the size of a city bus :) We all piled in after Dai-chan & Shin-kun got home from school (Keiko-san took the day off & Kazuhiro-san came home early). The first stop for the weekend was an onsen (hot springs spa) in Yufuin (pronounced “yu-hoo-in”). It took about 2 hours to get there, but the amazing scenery made the time fly by. The boys played with Brendan’s den-gasher for most of the trip, & Brendan did a great job of trying to communicate with them. Dai-chan is very “genki” (spirited), something Brendan isn't accustomed to, but he did beautifully. At one point I figured out how to ask Nobuko-san what some feathery trees were called & discovered that they were bamboo (takei)!

The onsen was on an incredibly narrow road & it was touch-&-go getting the van up it & parked. It was a very small, intimate place & we were the only guests that night. It was really beautiful & featured both an indoor & outdoor (private) hot springs bath. The water comes directly from underground volcanic springs, so it was incredibly hot. It was obviously full of minerals, too, because it made you as buoyant as sea water. Brendan & the other boys played with various swords & the den-gasher outside while we all settled into our rooms. Dinner wasn’t until after 7:00, which was pretty late for Brendan. Also, although Tomoko had requested “sai-shoku” (vegetarian) food for us, it wasn’t exactly veggie, so she had me check things out ahead of time & then had them remove anything that might bother Brendan (there was some pretty graphic fish that was moved to the other table, where Tomoko & her family would be sitting). There was a gas grill at the table & we grilled vegetables (there was meat & fish for Tomoko's family, too) right there, then dipped them in sauce & ate them. There was also an amazing assortment of side-dishes prepared many different ways, & all beautiful to look at. Brendan was content with about 3 bowls of rice for dinner, which amazed the owner (he & his wife did the cooking & serving, too). Charlie took him back to our room before the end of the meal, since he was exhausted from the day. I joined them after a bit, & then Charlie & I decided to wash & soak in the outside “ofuro” (hot springs bath). We had to add cold water (from a tap) to make it possible to get in, but once we were used to it it was lovely.

We all slept on futons again, all in a row, just like at Nobuko-san’s. We were able to sleep past 6:00 am again. Hooraay!

Home alone... for real!

First of all, I will apologise in advance for any fuzziness in this post. It is virally-induced fuzziness & is temporary :)

Also, I finally have a reason to thank the autofill function on this site, since it made me realise that I'd already made a "Home alone..." post :) That one was after the first day of school last September, so I guess it sort of counts, but little did I know then what it really means to be home alone...

Or maybe, "little did I remember...", since, approximately a year ago yesterday, I had a premonition of what it would be like. The 5-6 grade classes at Brendan's school have a tradition of going to a nearby retreat centre/summer camp for an overnight before the end of the school year. Last year, as they & their gear all assembled in the parking lot to be distributed into cars, I realised that Brendan would be in this group in the coming year. I remember wondering what it would be like, or if he'd even go... He's not the overnight sort of guy. He's been to 2 sleepovers in his life- last year at the neighbour's birthday party & a couple years before at his best friend's house. OK, actually 3 of you count the night he spent at Grammie's when Charlie & I went to a B&B for our 10th anniversary, but he was only 2 1/2 & doesn't remember (Grammie does, though :).

As the campout plans filled the air, over the past few weeks, Brendan was definitely tentative about the whole thing. We wanted him to participate, of course, so Charlie tipped the scales by rearranging his scedule so that he could be one of the desperately-needed dad chaperones. The original plan had me going out for the day & leading some craft projects in the afternoon, & then Charlie & I switching after he got out of work. As time got closer Brendan really started looking forward to it, & even got into the buzz about who was doing what while there were there... As I mentioned in my previous post, he got sick over the weekend, so we kept him home from school on Monday & I picked him up at noon on Tuesday, all so that he would be healthy enough to go camping on Thursday. And he was :) What we did not foresee was my catching his virus & waking up Wednesday morning with a roaring sore throat... the cough soon followed. Brendan was slightly taken aback by the news that I wouldn't be driving him to camp, nor would I be there during the day, but being the sweetie that he is, he was more concerned about my health. When we assured him that dad would be there for the night, he was pretty close to ok with things. I let his teachers know on Wednesday that I was sick & received kind sympathy :) There were plenty of drivers & I managed to get the warp for a scarf on the school loom so that the kids could weave as a craft project (I taught Cherie how to weave a couple summers ago, so she could supervise). By the time Brendan got to school yesterday he was so caught up in the excitement that he lost all of his lingering worries & was good to go. Whew!

It was very, very weird to leave him, though. After leaving school I did my usual weekly shopping, & when I got home I realised that I didn't need to leave the house again for... days! I closed both garage doors after unloading the groceries. Weird. I kept remembering what Brendan's psychologist has been telling us about the necessary process of disconnecting, & really understood how difficult it's going to be for me. I guess it's really a good thing that I'm sick :) I was so tired by the morning actgivities that I went right to bed & slept for nearly 3 hours. I'd picked up some sushi for lunch & ate it at 2:30... normally Brendan & I would have just gotten home from school about then. I found the energy to do some more tie-dyeing (it's been pretty much an endless process lately, with boxes of dyes & clothing blanks arriving & being sucked into the 3-day process of applying the colours) & then rested for a bit by watching anime on veoh. Charlie called me right before he left work to go to camp. We both agreed that I'd have heard something if Brendan wasn't doing well- every adult there was packing a cell phone :) I imagined Charlie & his car-load arriving at camp & Brendan greeting him happily. (We found out on Tuesday that Brendan had volunteered Charlie to cook breakfast, tee hee, claiming that dad could make the best pancakes... Charlie was rather taken aback, not having made a pancake in some years, but decided to rise to the challenge. So after consulting with those who had gone last year, he loaded our griddle, potholders, & extra cooking oil into a big box & added it to his gear. What a guy! :)

I probably don't need to say how quiet the house seemed last night, how I got spooked by noises while I was in the shower, how I thought of my guys & wondered if Brendan had gotten the necessary down time in the afternoon so that he could make it through till campfire time... I had a nice, if quiet, evening. My favourite online puzzles, at the Conceptis site, always go up sometime Thursday evening so I did some puzzles. I watched some clips at TV in Japan, tidied up a bit... It turned out to be a good night to be alone, actually. Nobody woke up when I had coughing fits & Charlie wasn't disturbed when I got up a few times in the night. Since I wasn't worrying about bothering anyone, I probably slept better than I would have. I didn't get up until after 8:00 am... when I'd usually be at the door at school greeting everyone. Totally weird.

Charlie & Brendan will get home sometime bewteen 2:30 & 3:00... I can't wait to hear the stories :) I have more tie-dyeing to do, & more tidying up (Tomoko's mom is coming to visit tomorrow!!!). Oh, yeah, & I have to get well, too! I'll let you know how the camping went :)

Deconstructing expectations...

Spring break is over & Brendan's back to school today. We are in the midst of the promised snowstorm, so the drive to school was particularly unpleasant (it's hard enough to get back into the routine, but then to have the traffic & road conditions yucchy & unpredictable was no fun...). Brendan was mad at the weather, I suspect because he'd been trying to concentrate on the school activities that he enjoys & the snow didn't bode well for going outside today. :( He did hold himself together really well though, in the face of the end of vacation. He told me this morning that school itself isn't so bad, it's just all the tic triggers that make it horrible sometimes. I agreed wholeheartedly, & it made me realise how (mostly) tic-free our week at home had been. This is, of course, very much thought about & planned- the tic-free atmosphere was not an accident. It's not restful or vacation for anyone if one of us is uncomfortable, & we've evolved a way of being that minimises tics. In a way, one of the roles of school for Brendan is (somewhat) controlled exposure to tic triggers. He's not going to learn to deal with the OCD if it isn't challenged... & by contrast, home has become as much of a haven as we can make it. It's not perfect... he had a cow yesterday morning when he saw the cover of a catalogue (the King Arthur Flour catalogue, of all things...) which featured 2 summer-dressed women at a wedding shower. He was upset that they "hardly had any clothes on"- meaning that they were wearing spaghetti-strap & tank tops/dresses. We tried to tell him that they were dressed quite normally for summer, but he wasn't buying it. I realised that he was probably comparing their attire to what he sees me wear & so I told him that I dress differently than most women in the summer, that I'm the "weird" one in this situation, not them. Sigh. I was not about to explain to him that I don't wear skimpy clothing for 2 main reasons: I'm not comfortable revealing my upper arms & legs because I don't think they're attractive & feel embarassed, &, intertwined with these feelings, are feelings about my body that are left over from my incest recovery work. I find it very emotionally painful to wear clothing that uncovers too much of my body, so I've adopted a summer "look" that includes long skirts & elbow-length sleeves... Brendan wasn't buying the whole idea that my way of dressing is the outlier, either, & I suspect that another element was his preadolescent new awareness of the differences between men & women. In either case, we solved the whole thing by turning the catalogue cover-down & talking about the yummy dessert depicted on the back. Any port in a storm. :)

That conversation with Brendan was one of a series of experiences recently that have led me to think intensely about how he & I interact, what expectations I have for him, & why I have them. In so many ways Brendan & I have an empathy that allows for fluent communication. As I learn about autism, I'm coming more & more to realise that this empathy comes from our similarities. I am sure that I'm on the spectrum, too, but before I had Brendan I didn't recognise my spectrum qualities for what they are. I am becoming aware that some of my concerns about him, such as the tone of voice issue I spoke of in my previous entry, come from my own personal experiences & worries. As he's gotten older, I notice more & more bumpy, uncomfortable moments between us, though. I know it's to be expected- his psychologist has been reminding us lately that the job of adolescence is for him to separate himself from us & become an individual. I'm left wondering how to keep the communication lines open through this time. With Brendan, good communication is essential. He needs more help from us than most kids his age, so how do we provide adequate support & still allow him to be/become a capable, independant person?

Yesterday at church I had an experience that made me think very hard about my behavioural expectaions for myself & how they affect my expectations for Brendan. I was in a small group of people chatting when someone whom I had never really spoken to before, but knew by face & name joined the group... or, at least, I thought I knew who they were. There was something different about how they looked that put me, mentally, off balance for a bit. For a while, I wasn't really sure I was talking to who I thought I was (talking to). It was really disorienting, & luckily I was with a group & could just back off & listen to the others converse. After a little while I realised that this person was who I'd thought they were & things fell back into place. I was left feeling slightly unsettled for quite a While, though. I think it was partly because I realised that this happens with some frequency, & also because my only strategy for coping was to act "as if" I knew them... It made me think about how often Brendan will ask someone he's already met right to their face, who they are, & because he's a kid & most folks in our lives know he's autistic, they smile & reintroduce themselves. I think I rather envy him.

I told Charlie about this experience last night, after Brendan had gone to bed. I asked him what had been different about this person that made me not recognise them (he said it was probably something to do with their hair). The morning's experience came back to me when we chatted about friends we'd seen earlier in the day, & how he'd noticed that they'd put on some weight over the winter, & I realised that I hadn't noticed that about them until they themselves had mentioned it, & then their changed appearance just kind of blossomed into my mind. After Charlie went to bed I got to thinking about how I've learned to socialise in such a way that, despite my spectrum qualities, I'm considered to be a socially successful person. By that I mean that I have a reputation for being good at leading groups of people, for helping groups of people successfully problem-solve, for choosing to be in the middle of things, rather than hanging out on the fringes. I like to interact with groups of people & put myself into situation where I have to interact... That isn't to say that I don't have some significant issues with social anxiety. I do not like new groups, meeting new people, going to new places. I am most confortable in my niches- church & school- & do not function well outside of them. So I guess I'm contextually successful. How did I learn what I have learned, about reading body language, making eye-contact, knowing the appropriate sounds to make? How have I learned to "pass"?

The answer is, survival, or perhaps more accurately, Survival. My father was mentally ill (bipolar) & sexually abused me starting at an early age. I learned to read his body language, to anticipate his moods practically by esp, because it was a matter of survival. Hyper-vigilance was a way of life & has carried-over into adulthood. Before Brendan was born & I worked in a laboratory my desk faced a wall, but I knew who was entering my lab without turning around because I knew what everyone's footsteps sounded like. My hyper-sensitivity to Charlie's &, particularly, Brendan's moods has been a very helpful thing. It can make our family life run much more smoothly. The thing is, I can't help but wonder if I'm not, deep down, expecting Brendan to become as adept at this very difficult set of skills just because I found it a matter of survival to be so. This idea has really pulled me up short, so to speak.

In an early post I talk a bit about my Survivor recovery & how it has helped Charlie & I to cope with raising a child with autism. Although I was "officially" done with recovery when Brendan was born, I realised very early on that raising a child was bringing up a lot of un-dealt-with issues for my, concerning my own early childhood. I found a new therapist when Brendan was still quite young & still see her every 2 weeks, to fine-tune myself so that I'm better able to cope with what life throws at me. Even though I've been at this parenthood thing for just over 11 years, I still can't get over how intertwined my own childhood experiences are with my present parenting. I realise that I have high behavioural expecations- I don't tolerate disrespectful behaviour at all- partly because that's what allowed me to survive childhood, & parly because I think it's good form to be respectful. I really don't like it when Brendan responds in a snarly or surly manner to us (can you see why I'm worried about getting through his adolescence intact?). I pass my high expectations on to Brendan by commenting, probably far too often, on his behaviours, which he interprets as incompetence on his part. Add to this mix my own feelings/perspctives/strategies for dealing with autism spectrum issues & things get even more confusing. I want him to function well socially, I want him to not only decode what's going on with others but to respond appropriately. I want other people to respond positively to him, to like him. I'm beginning to understand that my expectations for Brendan are "tainted" by my experiences of abuse & my own difficulties with socialisation. One of the things I've felt good about in raising a child of my own is that he doesn't have to experience the abusive childhood that I did... And although I'm not worried abaout becoming abusive in the way my father was, I'm coming to understand that I have to back off in my expectations for him if I'm going to maintain a positive relationship with him. I need to figure out how much of my expectations are "my stuff". I need to trust that he will learn what he needs without having to become hypervigilant, like me.

The good part of this whole situation is that Charlie is, & has always been, our ever-present middle-ground reference point. Charlie has learned to live positively with spectrumy, hypervigilant me, & has a very functional, loving relationship to us, his wife & child. One thing I realised in my ruminations yesterday is that Charlie has been giving me a lot of positive feedback lately about specific interactions between me & Brendan. He's been subtly sending me good messages about the times he thinks I've done well helping Brendan cope with life. This is a strategy we've consciously adopted for use with Brendan- tell him what's good at least as often (more, if possible) as we criticise- & it's very successful because not only does Brendan get info about how he's been successful, but it puts a positive spin on life. When I realised that Charlie's been doing this for me it made me very grateful (kind of teary, actually). It affirms me as a capable human being & parent. It helps me to understand that, if I can successfully separate Brendan from me in my head & heart, then I can still be a loving mom, have a close relationship with him, & still allow him to find his own ways to succeed in life.

I'm making a mental list of these things, of course, so that I can work on them with my own therapist, & also get suggestions from Brendan's psychologist when Charlie & I visit him next. All of these thoughts & issues have made me realise that things are always beginning, in relationships, in life. No matter how long I'm a mother I will still always be beginning some aspect or another of my relationship with my kid. It never ends.

Brendan did a stellar job of transitioning himself back to school after the break, all things considered. He reached melting-point a couple times last evening, then chose to do something that distracted him or discharged the feelings in other ways (watch a movie, play a game). Observing & appreciating his efforts really reinforces for me how capable he is becoming. Reminds me that I really don't need to worry so much about him.

Food chain...

Thank-you, Kim Possible. Not only have you given us Rufus, but you have given us a ready-made common vocabulary for Brendan to talk about one of life's most difficult stages- adolescence. Specifically, the way adolescents (or pre-) sort themselves into seemingly arbitrary hierarchies, which is what KP refers to as "the food chain". :)

Yesterday morning at breakfast, in a discussion aimed at getting at the root of Brendan's complete inability to remember to brush his newly-braced teeth after lunch at school (in spite of notes in his locker, lunchbox, & the re-location of toothbrush to his lunchbox), we came to the conclusion that part of the problem was that he & one particular friend begin playing their very imaginative free-time game (usually known as "The Pokemon Game) during lunch. It then spills over into outside time after lunch, & involves imagining themselves as various super-heroish characters & then acting out the drama on the playground. I'd gotten the clue about this being the "ish" (as KP would say) when I delivered Brendan's birthday meeting treat to school on Tuesday & was there for part of lunch time. Brendan & buddy were so immersed in the game that Brendan never noticed that I'd kissed him on the cheek & said goodbye... It's no wonder he sometimes comes home with part of his lunch uneaten. (I also have to wonder if getting completely immersed is the only way Brendan can participate in this game, since the friend he plays it with is also one of his major tic-triggers. Perhaps the intense focus allows Brendan to play the game & not get triggered...) In any case, I suggested that maybe he just explain to his friend that, until he's in the habit of brushing after he eats, they refrain from playing during lunch & wait until outside time. Brendan agreed, & we both realised that it meant Brendan sitting with other kids, since this friend is a juggernaut when it comes to this game & would probably have trouble switching gears if he was near Brendan. I told Brendan that I didn't want him eating by himself, either (lunch time is prime socialisation time, & socialisation is one of the reasons he's not being home-schooled). So, we talked about who else he could sit with... Now, I had noticed on Tuesday that Brendan & friend were the only 2 boys at the table during that lunch time- the 2 5th-6th grade classes had divided themselves up into a table of girls (+2 boys) & a table of boys, which was fine by me since I had some nice conversation with the girls as my kid utterly ignored me. When we got to imagining who else Brendan could sit by, he blurted out, "But mom, most of the other guys don't talk to me during lunch because of the food chain!" Thanks to KP, I knew immediately what he was talking about. Sigh. He then listed the hierarchical order that the boys had arranged themselves into, who kind of "floated" in status, & who had no status at all (he, his buddy, & one other kid who seems to kind of float through life anyway). He then did a comparative analysis of the girls' food chain as well. Not bad for an autistic kid, huh?

We then talked about how this all affects him. Brendan sees himself as a sort of free agent, not part of the hierarchy, but not really bothered by it either, except that it's inconvenient. He said that all of the kids in the hierarchy do talk to him at other times & he's played with them on the playground at times, too, & never felt picked-on. He's noticed that the kids who are trying to move into the food chain (but are not seen as "cool") get picked on, so he's decided to steer clear of this, although he's been known get involved to defend or comfort a friend who has been picked-on. His Pokemon game buddy exists on the outside of it all because he doesn't seem to notice that it exists, & we decided that that's why the higher-ups don't give him a hard time, either. It was comforting to know that Brendan has the savvy to see what's going on & decide just how much he wants to be involved in it, & that so far he's not being drawn-in hypnotically by the "cool' factor. I feel sad that the whole thing exists at all & remember acutely how much it all hurt when I was an adolescent.

Fortunately, Brendan's school is doing a great job of recognising the fall-out from food chain-related conflicts & is getting families involved, & has starting a series of socialisation workshops to teach the whole group some healthier ways of interacting. The consensus of his teachers is that the early intervention Brendan received for socialisation has really put him ahead of the game in this area- ironic, no?

At the end of our conversation, we decided that he might try sitting with the girls- there are 2 girls who also have braces & the 3 of them have been trying to remember to remind each other to brush teeth after lunch since Brendan got his. He's been with them since first grade, too, so they treat him pretty kindly. We shall see how this all plays out... "Will he remember to clean his teeth?" has receded on my list of concerns, though, after the food-chain conversation. Adolescence is here, whether we like it or not!

Anticipating Brendan's birthday...

Tomorrow (nearly today!) is Brendan's 11th birthday. He was our April Fool's Day surprise (he arrived 6 days early :) and is very pleased to share his day with JK Rowling's Weasley Twins, Fred & George. Since Brendan was 6 we have had themed birthday parties, involving much planning & a relatively small number (no more than 7 total) of kids, since it's been obvious to us since well before he was diagnosed with autism that Brendan does best with less noise & lots of structure. His 6th birthday party had a Harry Potter theme & the kids dressed-up in capes & robes, "pinned the scar on Harry", had a potions lesson (involving food-coloured baking-soda-&-vinegar mixtures), & tried to guess what was in the HP-themed themed box by feel alone. I think this was the last time I made Brendan's birthday cake from scratch- topped with a quidditch pitch complete with hoops & lego Harry & Malfoy flying above on brooms, suspended by wires. The next 2 birthdays had a science theme & we all wore lab coats & constructed simple flashlights from film cases, made clocks run with lemons, & ran a weak electrical circuit through the whole group to light up a special ball. The last 2 (9 & 10) have been spy parties, & Brendan decided to pretend to be "kidnapped" from his own party last year, so the real spy task was to find him (at the neighbours') using various gadgets that they'd had to find hidden around the house, by cracking various codes... The details of last year's party may be found here & here.

This year Brendan decided on an Adventure Quest theme, which was a nice change, planning-wise. We will dress-up, of course, & I have a basket full of his out-grown wizard & jedi robes, capes, tunics from the mummer's plays for the larger kids, & various other paraphenalia, although we've decided not to include any swords or sword-like objects for obvious reasons... This year there are a few more kids invited-11, since Brendan has made more friends over the years. We have never approached birthday parties as a social obligation- I have never liked big, blow-out kids' parties & Brendan wouldn't be able to cope with that sort of thing, anyway. We've never been able to invite his whole class at school, nor have we been able to reciprocally invite some of the kids that invite him to their parties. So far we haven't heard any complaints... two of the parents of first-time invitees that I spoke to this year when they RSVP'ed seemed very understanding (when I kind of broached the subject :), but they both have special needs kids, too. One of the fun things about planning the activities for the parties as Brendan gets older is that the activities can get more & more sophisticated. Another is that Brendan can be involved in more of the brainstorming, although I still need to do most of the planning because it won't be fun for him if he knows too much.

I decided that I wanted to stress co-operation this year. The competitive spirit just seems to get stronger with some of the kids & that's fine on a playing field, but I don't think it's much fun for a birthday party... I googled "co-operative games" & found some really good resources, which I adapted to the mediaeval/dungeons & dragons-type theme. We'll start with everyone who wants to dressing-up (I hope they still want to! Brendan will be wearing his "Glacius" robes & has requested that Charlie & I dress-up, too). Then I'll do a bit of explaining for the newbs (to Brendan-style parties) & explain the quest, which will be to earn bags of "gold" (puzzle pieces) by participating in group challenges. Some challenges will be for the whole group & some will be by choice. The puzzle pieces, assembled, will be a treasure map. The treasure is goody bags for all on a bed of mardi gras beads :) The first challenge will be for the group to construct a "bridge" across a room with a limited number of boards, which will require some thought & co-operation, since they'll all have to cross over in a group & the boards don't reach all the way. Then they'll be able to choose between solving riddles posed by a sphinx (our 17-year-old goddaughter :) or finding certain pokemon that will be scattered throughout the place by decoding their names in Japanese :) (yes, Brendan will have an advantage here, but he's the birthday boy!). Then comes the twist... half of the group (to be determined blindly) will be "cursed" & become a dragon :) They will then have to accomplish the task of getting the other kids to do something for them, all without speaking, in order to lift the curse. At the same time the other kids will be trying to "Cross the Great Divide"- crossing a room by standing side-by-side, sides of feet touching at all times. The final task will be avoiding being captured by the sphinx as they cross her desert by all crowding onto a "magic carpet" whenever she shows up. Anyone caught off the carpet by the sphinx will have to be ransomed by the rest of the group by answering one last riddle. Then, all they have to do is assemble the puzzle pieces they've earned, figure out the map, & retrieve the treasure... If all this seems to be a bit involved, all I can say is that I learned my lesson 2 years ago when they went through a spy activity that took me days to plan (I actually flow-charted it) & 2 hours to set up, in about 30 minutes. I was really proud when last year's activities took over an hour to solve...

These past few days leading up to tomorrow's party have been busy. I helped my mom move to a new apartment yesterday morning, picked Brendan up at 1:30 from school, then made dinner for 7- we 3, my mom, & friends & family who had all helped her to move (one of my cousins came down from Ottawa to help out!).

Thurdsay morning I had a very disenheartening experience, which took some of the joy out of planning Brendan's party & turned it to worry. As Brendan & I got to school that morning we ran into 3 classmates, all who are invited to his party, who had been dropped off early. Brendan gave them a cheery "hi" when he saw them... & they completely ignored him. He tried again, but they said nothing to him. I was caught between disbelief, anger, & hurt for Brendan. I couldn't believe that they would be so insensitive or ungrateful. Brendan didn't say anything & it didn't seem to dampen his mood, but I was really upset. I mentioned it to Cherie, his consultant teacher, with whom, I spent a few minutes sorting out the events of the next few days (scheduling Brendan's birthday meeting at school for next Tuesday, since he gets the rest of his braces on this Monday, figuring out if I could fit a japanese lesson in on Friday & still help my mom move...). She didn't seem terribly surprised, in a sad way, & said that this was one reason they're doing the weekly socialisation workshops, because so many of the kids don't have good skills for positive interaction with their peers. Sigh. My stomach was knotted all morning. I have tried to convince myself that these are good kids at heart, that Brendan wants them at his party, & they'll probably be better behaved out of school, but, as I said, I have been sad & worried ever since. I also mentioned this incident to Paula (friend, director of the school, & mom to college-age son with ASD) & she said that she'd experienced this quite a lot as her son was growing up. The irony that our boys, who have had intense intervention for social skills since they were both quite young, are the ones considered "socially impaired" is not lost on us... It was very comforting to be able to share my worries with Paula, who's "been there, done that". I am very fortunate to have her as a friend! (She'll be at the party tomorrow, too, & offered to sit on anyone who gets out of line, but I told her that I want her to enjoy the party!)

Today Brendan was really on edge. He seemed almost sad to be getting older, & at the same time excited about presents & party. Anticipation is never easy for him, so that may have been what put him closer than usual to meltdown throughout the day. We had an early japanese lesson, at 11:30 rather than 1:00, so that we could go over to our sailing club (where the party is going to happen) & set some things up. Tomoko planned the lesson to be a conversation about InuYasha's birthday & finding out how old he is (he's not really sure, being a demon) & what he wants as a present... It was really cute & Brendan did his best to participate from the kitchen floor (we started out at the table). Today Charlie helped him read some of the conversation (written in a mix of hiragana & katakana), which was really cool. Tomoko was very impressed by how much he's learned. After lunch we went to the club, taped, measured, blew up balloons, & decided the location for the treasure to be hidden. Then we came home & I made a list of everything else that needs to be brought tomorrow. We'll have church in the morning, which won't go over well with Brendan, since he'll want to make the lego set he's getting (an ExoForce set he's been wanting) or watch one of the dvd's (a Marx Brothers' collection & new a Pokemon Advanced Battle) instead of going to church. Sigh. When I look into tomorrow I keep seeing places where Brendan may get hung-up. I just hope he has fun. Charlie & I were talking this evening about this being perhaps the last year he'll want this sort of very involved interactive experience for his party. If so, it'll be sad, but a relief, too. I rarely look back & get wistful about Brendan getting older- he was an extremely challenging child in early childhood & next we knew we were dealing with intervention upon intervention, co-ordinating care-giver upon care-giver in the wake of his autism diagnosis. Now he's within minutes of being 11... I teased him a bit this evening about perhaps getting his Hogwarts letter this summer :) He said that he wouldn't mind having an owl fly down the chimney to visit him :)