Fifty is fun...

Yep, it is... I know because today was my 50th birthday. :)

It's been a surreal couple of weeks, starting 2 Saturdays ago when I was preparing for our regularly scheduled japanese lesson & a strange guy turned up in the kitchen. Charlie introduced him as the caterer & informed me that the regularly scheduled japanese lesson wouldn't be happening (although our teacher & her husband would be over later). Instead, we were going to have my surprise 50th birthday party! Poor Charlie had been trying to figure out a good date for a party in the face of uncertainty about when the minister search would take me away for nearly a full weekend at least twice in February, so he settled instead on the end of January as being a safe time. He kept the party small- about 20 people- so we could have it at home. He was very fortunate in his choice of date because the weather was gorgeous, for late January in the northeast US. He had invited friends from a nearby town & relatives from Canada to the party & they had not difficulty traveling at all. Amazing...

I spent the next hour, on surprise party day, in a state of disequilibrium, as all sorts of food, & then people, arrived at our house. Brendan's best friend & parents arrived, & he & E happily scampered upstairs to play. When the first of the out-of-towners arrived I cried- I just couldn't believe they were here! Then more arrived- my best friend Roo- & finally a cousin & my aunt from Ottawa, & I completely lost it at that point. I had thought my aunt, who has Alzheimers, would never visit us again (she was here last July) because she hadn't been doing very well, but she'd been on a new medicine for a few months & was not only well enough to travel, but recognised people & really seemed to be enjoying herself. It felt like a miracle. Charlie had the same caterers as when we were married (just over 19 years ago) & the food was just as good as I remembered :) There was champagne & sparkling juice for toasting, then we all munched, then had birthday cake, & I wandered around visiting with everyone. I was a little foggy, partly from crying & partly because I was coming down with bronchitis, but it was just lovely to see everyone! Charlie had asked that any gifts be tea-themed, & it was so much fun opening teacups & teapots, a tea ceremony set from our japanese teacher, fun teas... but the best part was just being with everyone. My husband sure knows what's important to me, & sure knows how to surprise me! (More on this later...)

The following week I never quite succumbed to bronchitis, thanks to a well-timed regular visit to my doctor, who put me on antibiotics & increased my asthma meds. Last weekend I was mostly away on church business, & when I got home Sunday afternoon I discovered that Brendan had visited the pediatrician that morning, rather than going to Sunday school... He'd complained of chills while Charlie was in choir practise & looked kind of ill, & when they got home he was running a fever. The way he was coughing (& by the appearance of what he was coughing up), it seemed as though he'd caught my bronchitis, so we started him on a z-pak (the antibiotic I take) Sunday afternoon. By Monday it was clear that he wasn't going to school, although the bronchitis was responding well to the antibiotic. By Monday afternoon Brendan's fever was way up (102.4!) & he was vomiting :( By Tuesday morning he didn't have bronchitis any more, he had the flu :( :( We kept him hydrated by sucking ice cubes & peppermint tea sweetened with agave nectar, & his cough responded well to Riccola herb & honey lozenges, just as mine had. We also supplemented the tylenol every 4 hours with linden & elder tincture I'd made a few years ago to use for fevers, & not only did he not object to taking it (the flavour's pretty mild) but we think it did help keep the fever under control. The computer in Brendan's room is set to play Japan's region dvd's, so we just cycled through all the Pokemon dvd's we bought last summer, which certainly added to the surreality of the day by providing a japanese dialogue to Brendan's being sick in bed. We were both pleased to discover that we understand even more now than we did last summer, & we'd happily repeat the bits of dialogue we understood to each other (when he wasn't sleeping, I'd sit & knit & watch with him).

Brendan still had a high fever on Wednesday, & a really sore throat, too. That day was Charlie's 45th birthday & he took the day off work (he sometimes works half days on Wednesdays, which is technically his day off), which was great because somebody had to pick up the birthday cake I'd ordered for him! He also bought some essentials like kleenex, riccolas, & peppermint tea at the grocery store. I had already given him his main birthday present- a new flat screen monitor for his home computer- but I'd also managed to make him a spare pair of gloves out of some hand-dyed silk & wool blend yarn & he liked them very much :) Brendan got up for a little while & even ate some birthday cake, but he spent most of the day in bed. I managed to take a nap in the afternoon, which made things much more cheerful- we'd been up really early (between 4 & 5 am) most mornings because Brendan woke up coughing & couldn't get back to sleep. I also had the bright idea to set my old laptop up in his room so he could watch dvd's other than the japanese ones & listen to music as well. Charlie & I also took turns reading "Hoot" out loud to him & he loved that.

Brendan had even more energy today & his fever finally went down below 99, which was a relief! There was a lovely box of chocolates that Brendan had picked out for me for my birthday sitting at my place at the table when we got downstairs for breakfast. After breakfast I got out stickers & cardstock & Brendan made birthday cards for Charlie (belated :) & Grammie (her birthday is next week). He had a lot of fun carefully choosing animal stickers & funny caption stickers to go with them, & writing out his birthday messages with sticker letters. Our dear friend Ros called to sing a happy birthday song (she called Charlie yesterday:). Brendan nearly fell asleep on the sofa before lunch, so I suggested he snuggle back into bed after lunch while I read to him (this time from the Newberry award book "Thief"). I was hoping he'd nap, because he'd been up at 2:30 am & never really went back to sleep :( He enjoyed the story, but didn't sleep. Grammie came by to see us (on her way back from the doctor- she's sick, too!), to bring Charlie a birthday pie, a gift for me, a new video for Brendan, & a copy of the newspaper with the cute ad she'd placed wishing me happy birthday (featuring a picture of me at age 3... :). Brendan watched a japanese dvd until mid-afternoon, when he was energetic enough to come downstairs & have a session playing on the computer. We agreed that afterwards we'd have popcorn & watch "Howl's Moving Castle" in japanese on the laptop, upstairs on his bed. It was pretty relaxing, although we had a visitor- a friend from school who stopped by for some of the tinctures I'd used for Brendan's fever because her son also has the flu. She told me that Brendan appears to have been one of the earliest cases of a flu outbreak at school, & that they have closed the school tomorrow because so many staff & students are sick!! Charlie & I are so glad to have gotten our flu shots (he because he sees so many sick people & me because of the asthma)... & we're going to make sure Brendan gets one next year, too! I also had a lovely phone call from Tomoko in Minnesota.

Wonderful Charlie picked up japanese take-out for dinner tonight & we had some champagne left over from my surprise party. I was not expecting any more presents- the party had been such a wonderful gift & I had Brendan's chocolates, but he announced that there were fun presents for after dinner. We waited until Brendan had one more computer session (he's really missed playing while he's been sick) to open them. Brendan's eyes were drooping (he'd been up for over 17 hours by this time) but he perked up when I opened my last prezzie from Charlie- I simply resumed crying when I realised what it was... my amazing & wonderful husband got me a lightsabre for my 50th birthday! It's a replica of Obi-Wan's from the most recent movies, & not only does it light up, but it makes the coolest noises that respond to the motions you make with the sabre. It is utterly awesome & I just can't believe it. I finally have a lightsabre!! See- 50 really is fun!

Tomorrow my neighbour is coming over so I can go grocery shopping- what a doll! I have not driven a car since last Saturday, I have not been out of the house since last Sunday. I am having trouble remembering what day of the week it is... but Brendan is on the mend & I can actually see him going back to school on Monday (we are hopeful that enough teachers will be well enough that they'll have school...). These past couple of weeks have made this a memorable (to put it mildly) birthday season. Charlie will take a picture of me with my lightsabre soon, so I'll post that as soon as I can :) (I'm trying to decide if I should wear my red hat in the picture, too- I'm entitled to now!) Before he got sick, Brendan & I had finished half of our first podcast, so we hope to have it finished & up pretty soon. Stay tuned!!

Last full day in Japan!

Hard to believe we're going home tomorrow!

We had a last breakfast in our favourite Kyoto cafe this morning, finished packing everything, then headed for the shuttle bus to Kyoto station. Charlie used our Japan Rail passes for the last time & got tickets on the 10:00 Hikari shinkansen to Tokyo.

We said fond farewells to Kyoto, & for the first half hour of the train trip I planned, in my mind, our return visit to Kyoto. There's still so much to see here! It's such a comfortable place to visit, too. Brendan & Charlie feel the same way. Brendan declared that we definitely have to come back :) And imagine how much better our japanese will be next time...

The train to Tokyo took just under 3 hours & the only difficulty was that they ran out of obento by lunch time. Brendan fired-up the laptop when he finally got bored with playing Uno with dad & watched some InuYasha. We picked up a couple obento when we got off the train, & luckily we didn't have to haul our very heavy bags terribly far to the taxi stand. Thank goodness! Brendan had an attack of the tics right as we got there, but in the hustle & bustle we couldn't do our usual- stop & set a kekkai- & you know what? He managed just fine. He was a little ticced-off at us, but he got over it very quickly. He said he used his fan to ward off the thoughts & we told him we were very proud that he was able to manage without us. We got to the hotel without a hitch & were in our room & eating obento before we knew it. Brendan really didn't want to explore right away, so we got hooked up to the internet & he played AQ for a bit, then climbed under the covers for a bit. We could see a garden with a koi pond right below our hotel window, & that motivated Brendan to go out & look around. When we got there, though, it looked as if there was a wedding going on in the garden (the most women in kimono we've seen on our whole visit to Japan :) so we decided to go back later. I had spotted a book store from the taxi & wanted to make a last look around for craft books & something for Brendan on the plane tomorrow, so I took off. I walked right by the Mizutengu shrine on my way there- something I thought Brendan would like to see. I had good luck at the bookstore- found a pokemon puzzles book & a magazine featuring our favourite Kamen Rider & Gekiranger shows (plus some fun omake- free gifts- inside) for Brendan & a kimono magazine & origami book for me. After I got back we just lounged around until dinner time. On the way to dinner we went back to see the garden:

There was a tea ceremony house in the garden, too, but the main attraction was the pond full of enormous koi...

We had dinner in one of the hotel restaurants (we ate in a restaurant!!) & Brendan was in an exceptionally good mood. We amused our waitress greatly by speaking japanese to her (she particularly loved hearing Brendan speak :) & really enjoyed our meal. We chatted about what we liked about Japan & how much we'll miss it. Brendan got the giggles often & his laughter was infectious :) After dinner, Charlie & Brendan walked over to the shrine. When they got back to our room Charlie got Brendan into the tub for a wash & soak. Now he's in bed & we're getting ready to do the same. We have a looooong trip back to the northeastern US tomorrow. Wish us luck!

Japan Day 17- Kyoto...

Well, our brreakfast cafe was open again this morning, so we went over about 8:00 (it's just a block away) & had lovely toast & coffee (& a salad for Charlie :) again. Although the weather report said 100% chance of rain, it was still pretty clear out, though hot & muggy, as it's been the whole time. Today was textiles day (yay!) & we decided to start at a place mentioned in the "Old Kyoto" book that specialises in indigo dyeing. We were armed with diversions for Brendan, since looking at textiles is not a favourite activity of his. We also decided to take a taxi there, to save our energy for the walk home.

The name of the shop is Aizen Kobo, "ai" meaning indigo & "kobo" meaning workshop. The Utsuki family, which owns the shop, was a traditional weaving family for over a hundred years, but when the jacquard loom came to Japan their weaving was no longer desired, so the present shop owner's grandfather found his way to indigo dyeing instead, back in the 1920's. The building itself is 130 years old & has been in the family for all that time. When we got there, at around 9:45, the door was locked, but then I spotted a sign that said to press a button, so I did, & a voice came out of a little box (a video link) saying they'd be right down. A man, who spoke fine english, came down & opened up for us. One of the first things he noticed was Charlie's shirt (he was wearing one of the indigo tie-dyed shirts I made) & I explained that I do a bit of indigo dyeing in the US. He was familiar with the chemical-driven process used in the US & was happy to explain the differences between that method & the natural fermentation method that he uses (& is pretty much one of the few people left who do use it). While we were talking, Charlie & I were looking around at the amazing things in the shop- indigo-dyed fabrics & things made from indigo-dyed fabrics- everything from t-shirts to scarves, handkerchiefs & coasters to yarn & sashiko thread. As we chatted more, the owner asked me back into the working area of the house, & we sat at a table on zabuto pillows & talked indigo.

Utsuki-san showed me a book of pictures that described the growing, harvesting, & initial fermentation of indigo (something done in the countryside), which takes a full year. Then we chatted about other dyes & compared notes on different mordanting techniques. It was fascinating, I was aware that Charlie & Brendan were waiting for me (playing Uno :), so I asked if I could look around some more, then got to the serious buying. This felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity, & Charlie joined me in picking out gifts for friends & family, & things for us, of course :) Brendan held his patience as long as possible & was rewarded by the gift of a little beanbag owl made from indigo-dyed fabrics- kawaii! One of my purchases was a couple of bags of scraps of indigo fabrics for sewing projects & I can't wait to get started making something from them (but I will- all of my patterns are at home).

In a way, I'm glad that I didn't read the write-up in the book about Utsuki-san & his shop until I got back to the hotel, or I might have been too intimidated to have a good time chatting with him. He's one of the last people in Kyoto doing this kind of work & is considered a master of the craft. I sat with him (at his invitation!) & chatted about various details of dyeing like a fellow crafts-person, & enjoyed absorbing all of the information he wanted to share. He even gave me a handful of the indigo he uses to dye with on my way out, & took me back to show me the vats. I'm still processing a lot of what he told me, & the many ideas he gave me (some over-dyeing techniques that hadn't occurred to me before...). It was an incredible experience.

From Aizen Kobo we walked a few blocks to the Nishijin Textile Centre, a co-op of many textile producers in the Nishijin (traditonal textile) area of Kyoto. When we got there we saw a taxi parked out front & Charlie decided he'd ask for the driver's card, so we could call him (or another from his company) for the ride home (it was obvious we didn't have the energy to walk). He was having trouble getting though to the driver, so I joined him & was finally able to find the right words in japanese, & he gave me his card. Whew! Not my proudest japanese-moment!

The textile centre was housed in a large building with a large sales area on the second floor, & exhibits & workshop areas in the rest of the building. As we were headed upstairs Brendan decided that he wanted a bathroom, charged over to the information desk, & much to the ladies' there amusement inquired as to the location of the toilet in japanese :) They were quite taken by his braid, too, & followed his progress to the "toi-re" with smiles. Then it was upstairs to a bustling room full of too many things to take in. I took Brendan in hand, since Charlie had amused him at the indigo shop, & let Charlie look at ties in peace while Brendan & I looked at fans. I bought him another,inexpensive one, since the one he'd bought on our first expedition in Kyoto had broken (Brendan is hard on fans- he likes to use them as ninja weapons). Then we found some yukatas (cotton kimono) & were looking through them when Charlie found us again. They were also pretty inexpensive, so we all got yukata. I found some sandals, too, & got some zorii for myself & Brendan found, of all things, a pair of geta (clunky wooden sandals like he'd worn at the ryokan) that fit him & they're coming home with us, too :) By the time they'd wrapped & packaged (careful, artful packaging is a big deal in Japan) all of our purchases Brendan was getting over-stimulated by all of the activity & stuff so we wanted to get him out & be on our way. As I received our packages from the nice lady who'd helped us, I thanked her for taking care of us in japanese, & she went into orbit with excitement. She was so happy that she gave me a gift- a handwoven mat to put under a vase. It was a nice antidote to my difficult exchange with the taxi driver! There was a kimono fashion show going on downstairs, between us & the door, so it wasn't easy to navigate Brendan out of there, but we managed it. Then I went back in to ask the info ladies to call the cab for us, which they kindly did. It was only about 5 minutes before the cab was there & we were back at the hotel before we knew it. Whew! In all of the excitement, Charlie never did buy his tie. Sigh...

Brendan got dressed in his yukata & geta, but when he asked for an obi I realised that we hadn't got any, so he improvised with his new Kamen Rider Den-O belt :) The fan is a nice touch, I think...

Charlie went out to get lunch things at out favourite "kon-bee" (convenience store) & we ate in our room as usual. We had arranged with the concierge yesterday to visit an historic samurai home, with secret hiding places & defensive tricks, that got high marks in all of the guide books. She found an english interpreter for the tour, since it wouldn't have been as good without, & we were to meet him at 1:30 in the lobby. I opted out, since I was feeling tired from the morning, so Charlie & Brendan went out & left me to sew in peace. It was really nice to just sit for a while...

When they got back, about 2 1/2 hours later, it was obvious that the tour hadn't been a success :( Charlie said that it was far too long, the interpreter wasn't the best, & nobody wanted to take the time for questions. Brendan had been very frustrated because he wanted to ask about the things there were seeing... On the way home they tried to buy a hot coffee in a can for him, but got a cold one instead, then they got a bit lost & it took longer to get home (& it started to rain...). After we got Brendan calmed down, I offered to go to the "kon-bee" & get him a hot coffee (plus the dinner stuff), & get the latest Gekiranger episode loading on the laptop, too, so we could watch it when I got back. This helped to refocus him, & I went out with my umbrella in tow (which I needed :). After a snack & Gekirangers, we were all feeling better, & Brendan continued on to play some AQ, I sewed, & Charlie read. It was a mellow afternoon & evening. Charlie got online to check our plane reservations for Monday (still there) & our hotel reservation for our last night in Japan (in Tokyo). Tomorrow we'll finally visit the castle across the street, Nijo-ji, start packing! Hard to believe...

Getting ready for Japan, pt. 2...

Time has definitely begun to break the laws of physics. I looked & it's been a week since I last updated the blog, but it really doesn't seem like a week's gone by...

To pick up the camping trip story, Brendan had a really good first day of camping. He didn't enjoy most of the ropes-course activities, except for one that required a lot of problem-solving, which is right up his alley, but the course leaders were clued-in ahead of time by the teachers that some of the kids would find the activities very difficult, so they were allowed to sit out if they wanted to. Brendan decided to forego the craft activities afterward, in the late afternoon, & rested in the cabin instead (& I'd been worried that he wouldn't get sufficient down-time :). When Charlie arrived at around 6:45 pm, Brendan was happily playing a post-dinner game of soccer. There was a campfire & s'mores before bedtime & Charlie said that the boys were all asleep by midnight (the girls were up until 2:00 am!). The coolest thing about the day was that it was completely tic-free! On Friday morning Brendan tried fishing for the second time in his life. The first time, at age 7-ish, resulted in hysterics when he actually caught the fish. He was afraid of killing it... This time, once he discovered that they were tossing them back after catching them, he was very excited to do it. He wasn't as excited about putting worms or maggots (!) in the hook, but other kids & parents helped him out. He had a great time for a while, but Charlie noticed that it was taking on an obsessive quality after about an hour or so. By the time they broke for lunch it was nearly impossible for him to stop, & by the time he got to the dining hall he was in full, screaming tic mode :( Charlie managed to get him to the car & gave him Rufus, then he explained to the teachers that he would take Brendan home early (the rest of the group left around 2:00). They stopped for fries on the way home, & Brendan was calmer in the car, but the miniute he got home he was very unsettled. We talked about how tough transitions can be, tried to get him to eat some more, but finally he went into a major meltdown & we just had to ride it out... After he recovered, we watched Miyazaki's "Nausicaa" in japanese & had a belated lunch. The rest of the day- in fact, the rest of the weekend, happily, went very well.

One of the things Charlie & I realised last week was that Brendan has been having a lot more difficulty with OCD & tics over the last weeks, both at school & at home. When he saw the pediatrician for his check-up last week we also noticed that he'd gained enough weight that he'd probably outgrown the previous dose. So a week ago Wednesday we decided to up his seroquel dosage slightly. Now, a week & a half later, we & his teachers are noticing an amazing change in his ability to cope with the OCD. Perhaps not co-incidentally, I have also been reading to Brendan at bedtime from one of my favourite books, Matthew Bortolin's "The Dharma of Star Wars", & his budding understanding of buddhist philosophy seems to be giving him a positive framework for looking at the OCD & resulting emotional turmoil. Bortolin was trained as a buddhist monk by Thich Nhat Hahn, who is one of my favourite resources for buddhist spirituality, & explaining buddhism from the Jedi perspective is not only charming to us Star Wars fans, but keeps our interest :) I had been waiting on sharing this book with him until I thought Brendan had matured enough to really think about what we're reading, & now seems to be the right time. We've been able to talk about the suffering the OCD thoughts cause him & brainstorm ways to deal with them in a mindful way (described in the book as Qui Gon's "Living Force Mindfulness" :). Brendan has been actively engaging me during the day in discussion of ways to manage the tics with mindfulness practise (concentrating on breathing & what he's doing in the here & now & letting the thoughts pass naturally out of his mind without being critical of them). I particularly like the non-critical message, since Brendan often has a lot of after-meltdown distress from feeling bad about having the meltdown thoughts in the first place. The calm acceptance message is a very healing one. So between getting some relief by increasing the seroquel & finding new ways to imagine & deal with the OCD, Brendan has had one of his calmest & most enjoyable weeks at school this year. His teachers are so happy to have so much positive interaction from him :) Brendan most definitely has a positive effect on the group dynamics at school- we've gotten this feedback many times- when he's in a good place & not using his energy to just keep himself together. The unexpected side-effect of the buddhist discussion has been that I have gotten back in the habit of my own on-again, off-again mindfulness practise, & it's helping me a lot!

This past week has been unimaginably busy... Last Saturday we met Tomoko's mom, Nobuko-san, for the first time. They came to tea on Saturday afternoon, so I made scones & english tea ("ko-cha", as I learned from them). I'm trying to keep it in mind to do "american" things for Nobuko-san, to make it more fun for her. (Hey, when I'm in Japan, I want to do "japanese" things!) Nobuko-san speaks no english, so it was our first real challenge of speaking functional japanese :) Brendan was nervous, too, & mine was compounded by being sick with that virus. I felt as though all my 2 years of lessons ran right out my ears as soon as they came through the door, but Tomoko was there to translate, & I was able to say in japanese that I'd been a bit sick lately, which helped. Charlie was home from working Saturday morning, so we were all able to sit down to a nice tea after Nobuko-san gave us "omiyage" gifts from Japan. Brendan was very excited- she had brought him a "Kamen Rider Den-O" (our very favourite japanese tv series right now) action figure & a Jyuken Geki Ranger (the latest in the Super Sentai- aka Power Rangers- series, which we've also been watching online) mecha to put together. She said that Brendan's just like her older grandson, Shin-kun, the way he loves to put things together, which was lovely news because we're bring lots of legos for him as omiyage when we go to Japan :) My thinking is that Brendan will lose his shyness about speaking japanese while helping Shin-kun (who is 8) put the legos together. The good news about our first meeting with the very kind lady who we'll be spending a week of our trip to Japan with, is that I understood at least half of what she said, even if I did struggle to respond. I've seen her twice since then & my understanding has increased each time, so I think it bodes well... :)

Monday, Brendan had 2 doctor's appointments, & then we had a last-minute visit to my doctor as well... Charlie told me before he left for work Monday morning that my breathing sounded worse overnight & that I might want to have my doctor listen to my lungs, & I was smart enough to listen to him so I called. My doctor very kindly got me in at the end of the day (she has picked up a few too many of my asthma-related train wrecks to ignore this sort of info...) &, indeed, I had bronchitis. But- we'd caught it before I needed steroids- hooray! Brendan was pretty darned good about being hauled all over the universe (after the doctor, we had to stop & get antibiotics & also pick up some dinner, since there was no time to cook- Charlie actually beat us home). I got a couple of sushi packs for dinner, with the idea of making ramen for Brendan, & it's a sign of just how serious Charlie is about getting ready for Japan that he turned down the offer of a bowl of tomato soup with the sushi- sushi's not his favourite- but ate just that instead. I got a veggie pack (neither of us does raw fish...) & Brendan decided he wanted to try some, & didn't he just like the avocado ones! Go fig... So I guess we all qualify as a sushi-eating family now :)

Tuesday was almost as crazy with doctor's appointments (getting it all in before we go), but I did get some down-time during the day, to try to get over the bronchitis. Wednesday felt nearly impossible when I first got up. The plan was to run an indigo vat, to finish dyeing omiyage gifts & also teacher end-of-year-gifts (plus a few new ones for Brendan, who has outgrown all of his indigo-dyed shirts), plus Tomoko & Nobuko-san were coming over to "experience" the indigo dyeing, too ("aizome" in japanese). I was planning to make a simple "american" lunch of tuna & egg salad sandwiches, pickles, & tea... Plus there were the usual Wednesday chores, like changing the beds, running the dishwasher, taking out the trash... dealing with bronchitis... luckily, also on the list was a visit to the chirpracter & somehow her working on my very achy back (from coughing & tie-dyeing, I think) & concentrating on my mindfulness practise whenever I felt overwhelmed, put me in the right frame of mind to do everything that needed to be done. I had a great time! I was much more relaxed & the japanese came to mind more easily. Tomoko & her mom had bought t-shits to dip in the indigo, so they tied them in pretty patterns & really seemed to enjoy the process of dyeing. Charlie took Brendan to & from school, which is one of the things that made everything possible, & they stopped at a local children's museum on the way home from school & picked up some more fun gifts for the kids in Japan.

Yesterday I grocery shopped & had a meeting at church for which I made an "onigiri" (rice balls) lunch, but again, staying present & not getting fussed about still feeling under the weather made it a really enjoyable day. Brendan played outside for about 2 hours, & instead of coming in all over-stimulated, he was in a pretty good place when he came in right before dinner. The only untoward incident was that he ate something from the garden that he'd thought was lemon balm, but wasn't, & his tongue started to tingle. He brought in a sprig of whatever it was (a weed- nothing I recognised) & hyper-ventilated a bit when he realised that he'd might have gotten into something poisonous... but I kept the admonitions on the light-side. He was obviously not getting sick & hadn't swallowed anything (he spit it right out when it tasted funny), so I made him drink something & then promise not to eat anything from the garden until we've had a refresher on what's edible & what generally isn't. Fortunately, I removed anything not safe for kids from the garden when Brendan was a baby...

Tonight is Tomoko's graduation dinner, which Charlie & I are also going to. She & her mom are wearing kimonos! I'm really psyched to see them & give chatting in japanese yet another try. Brendan's happily staying home with our goddaughter, so it's a win-win. We're looking at a busy-ish weekend, with one of our last japanese lessons with Tomoko on Saturday morning, a church meeting for me (which I'll leave early for japanese), & then a school event in the afternoon. Sunday will be choir & church, then maybe actually resting in the afternoon :) Next week there's less appointment-action, thank goodness! All of the shirts for Japan will be dyed & ready to pack, all of the teacher end-of-year gifts will be done. Only 3 more weeks of school & then... we're on our way!!

Minding the gap...

It's a gorgeous, almost post-Spring day today. Brendan was delighted to be able to wear his new, plaid, "nerdy is the new black" shorts to school today (with an InuYasha t-shirt, of course). I feel blessed by his change in attitude toward school, forged slowly over these past months. In previous years he's pretty much loved school, but this 5th grade year has been way beyond difficult for him. It's nice to have resolved so many of our recent "issues"- getting out of the house on time (& with our sanity intact), how to include him in the process of his learning to self-regulate, how to cope with his new braces...

Before entering the blog-o-sphere, about 6 months before starting my own blog in January of 2006, I knew very little about autism in the big-wide world. I had a one close friend with a kid on the spectrum & knew a few others to speak to, all of whom were invaluable resources, along with the professional members of the "village", as we learned about Brendan & life with autism. I had also met some more parents of autistic kids who seemed to me to be lost in their anger & grief, & this was one reason that Charlie & I stayed away from local parent support groups. We had the support we needed & didn't feel the need to contend with those who were in a very different place than we were. Before reading other autism parent blogs, I did not know what "curebie" meant, had never heard of chelation or mercury, was not aware of the vaccine controversy & autism. I did understand intuitively that some parents weren't going to be as accepting of their kids "as is" as we were, but I put that down to my own experiences as a disabled person & my experiences with developmentally disabled children when I was a teenager. In the nearly 2 years that I've been reading, blogging, & commenting in other blogs I've not only learned about the wide variety of perceptions of & attitudes toward autism, but have found a "niche" of my own, that of a supporter of neurodiversity & advocate for the acceptance, not battling or "curing", of autism. It may not be coincidental that, in my learning about my son's autism, I've come to understand myself as someone who is, if not on the spectrum proper, within hugging distance of it. I've learned this by reading what autistic adults have written about themselves & have found them to be the main, invaluable resources for my understanding of what going on in my kid's head, & to understand that I also have some understanding of his autism from the inside-out, too.

Some of the things I've learned online have not been nearly as uplifting & helpful- there are also a lot of angry people out there who feel gypped by the trick nature/vaccines/"scapegoat here" have played on them & their family. People who feel that they did not get the kids they were entitled to get at birth & are desperately trying to fix/change things. People who are violently anti-acceptance & want to eradicate autism & damn the consequences... When I try to look dispassionately at the different viewpoints, I can see how anger & despair can drive people to do irrational things, like put their children's lives at risk by subjecting them to "treatments" that are risky, unproven, & ultimately disrespectful of these children's right to a safe childhood. But as an abuse survivor I find it impossible to condone these acts of violence against children perpetrated in the name of love... I feel very helpless & sad & angry when I read of these thing happening, & that the prevailing voices that claim to "speak" for autism are these same, very conflicted people. In reality, these things don't affect me personally, every day. There are prevailing attitudes "out there" that do affect me, though- I guess it's hard not to internalise some things when you've heard them enough. One of the prevailing attitudes is that there's a hierarchy of "functioning" levels among autistics that divides them as human beings & us as families. It's hard to argue this, in some ways. Life with a non-verbal, minimally "functional" person is going to be radically different than life with my bright, witty, hyper-verbal son Brendan. No question, really. Where I object, though, is when there are subtle (or not) value judgements made about the value & quality of those lives, & the relative ease or difficulty of life with these differently-challenged autistic people. There is a subtle (or not) sense that I am not able or welcome to comment on the attitudes of those who have "lower functioning" kids because my kid is "high functioning". This is not true everywhere, I'm happy to say, & parents like Kristina & Kev, plus many others in the Autism Parents Forum are happy & comfortable sharing & celebrating our similarities, rather than dividing us all along the lines of perceived differences...

The point of all this getting-off-of-chestness is that lately I have been seeing & experiencing more & more of a gap between Brendan's self-desired & developmentally appropriate behaviours (such as making decisions, taking physical & emotional care of himself, & social functioning) & what he really can do... And on top of this, I am feeling somewhat oppressed by a prevailing attitude that raising a "high functioning" child is more rewarding or less heartbreaking that raising a "low functioning one". The truth is, of course, all parenting endeavours reach low points- life is not a bowl of cherries for anybody. Things get more difficult, though, for families with children that society either doesn't understand or rejects outright. Unfortunately, among any minority group there tends to be even more shuffling around in terms of who is "more oppressed" or more worthy of help or pity. I guess it's human nature. I am not really looking for help & definitely not pity. For all the sorrow, I adore my kid & my family just the way he/it is. What I am tired of is the subtle messages everywhere to be "grateful it's not worse" (ie: your child isn't "low functioning"). To be happy that he can "pass" some of the time as "normal"... the brushing off of my perception that his someday going to college & leaving home are not "done deals". So many people think that somehow his intelligence & wit will just overcome his significant difficulties. I look at his & our hard work & realise that perhaps this may not be enough for him to have the sort of life that he or we want for him...

Brendan had a really up-&-down weekend, as you may suspect from this preambling... Saturday we had the first of our newly-rethought japanese lessons (part of the general rethinking going on these days). I'd emailed Tomoko last week with some observations (that Brendan was participating less & less in lessons) & some ideas to revamp our approach. She was very happy & pleased to try some new things, & the result was that we decided that she & Brendan would spend the first half-hour to 45 minutes of lesson on their own, & then I'd either join in or Brendan would go off & do his own thing & then I'd have my part of the lesson. Brendan liked the idea immensely, & they had a lovely time together. I heard him (from my chosen spot, 2 rooms away) speaking & reading more japanese than I've heard in a long time, & lots of giggling, too. Over the past couple of days he's been filling me in on what they did, which has been a lot of fun, since I get his perceptions on top of it all :) Tomoko & I spent most of our time together talking about what I want to concentrate on in these relatively few weeks before we actually go to Japan, & chatting about her mother's visit in May. After japanese was a much-anticipated event- Brendan's best friend's birthday party. Brendan's buddy E likes active, noisy parties with lots of kids, so in the past few years his family has offered for Brendan & E to do something different together to celebrate, a wonderful & much-appreciated gesture. This year, though, the party was at a go-cart/arcade place & Brendan was really keen to go. We figured this was a good sign, & the party was only for a couple of hours, so things would be ok. Of course, things went much longer than anticipated, & there was no way to get Brendan out of there before it was all over. When he & Charlie got home loaded with prizes & tickets (for the next time he goes (!)) Brendan was pretty obviously not himself. He flitted from thing to thing for the rest of the afternoon, from frustration to frustration, rejecting any attempts to help him settle or calm down until, at dinnertime, he melted-down royally. At one point he was clawing at his eyes because of an OCD thought he couldn't get out of his head. It was really scary. He was able to surface sufficiently from his distress after about half an hour that he could take a suggestion for distraction- we offered to watch a movie with him- & it seemed as though a door had opened & he was desperate to get through it. He ran upstairs to the tv room & collapsed on the foof. I put in the new Pokemon movie & told him I needed to get my knitting. After quietly having hysterics downstairs, in relief, I think, I went back up to watch with him. Charlie made soup & milkshakes & brought them up to us. By the time the movie was over Brendan was exhausted & ready for bed. Charlie & I were, too, but we debriefed a bit first, agreeing that the overstimulation of the party was what had set him off, & wondering how we can back him off of events like this just at a time when he's finally, really wanting to participate...

Sunday morning was peaceful, although Brendan mentioned he had a sore throat (Charlie & I both said "aha" in our minds, since being under the weather probably contributed to the meltdown as well). He coped well with some frustration & tic-trigger exposure at church (a real triumph) & afterward Charlie & Brendan went down to our sailing club to fix the boat haulout & eat lunch, while I had a meeting to lead at church. In the afternoon they went to the hardware store & bought a new hammer so that Brendan could continue bashing at his rock, "Goliath". This morphed into playing Uno with the girls next door in the backyard for a while, then just hanging out & playing. Around 4:30 Charlie went up to take a brief nap & suggested that I ask Brendan to come in around 5:00, since he'd have been outside playing for 2 hours by that time. When I started the countdown (10 minute warning, 5 minute warning) Brendan begged to be allowed out longer. he even told me he wouldn't get "over-tired like yesterday" (the kid's thinking, all right...), so I let him have an extra 15 minutes... & that's all it took. From the time he came in he was out of sorts & Charlie suggested a shower before dinner, since he was wet from playing with squirt guns. Brendan went along with it, but at dinner, again, he began melting down. It was more of a minor meltdown, probably thanks to the relaxing shower, but still pretty exhausting. We were able to watch Kamen Rider Den-O online (the new episodes are posted every Sunday) & it was fun to talk about it (it's entirely in Japanese with no subtitles, so there's lots to talk about). Charlie & Brendan decided to read some together & I actually fell asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours, so Brendan was asleep by the time I got up. Again, Charlie tried to figure out what had happened & how to be proactive, but it felt more like hitting a wall...

The thing is, Brendan is in many ways developmentally ready to do so much more- play outside all afternoon, go to birthday parties, see movies in the threatre- but in reality, doing all of these things for too long overstimulates him & he can't cope with the resulting sensory & emotional overload. It triggers OCD thoughts & tics & overwhelming emotions. It feels, viscerally, like we have a teenager & a two-year-old simultaneously. How do we help him understand & accept that he can't keep doing what he wants to do? How do we help him to learn to recognise the signs of overload & remove himself from the stimulus, even though he doesn't want to? This is the gap I've been seeing more & more clearly, between Brendan's cognitive functioning & his emotional functioning, & it just gets wider as he gets older. I am reminded of how it felt when Brendan was younger- kindergarten & first grade- & I'd let him play outside for an hour after school, then make him come inside & watch tv (PBS & videos, of course) for the rest of the afternoon. I felt like the mom from hell- how absurd, to take your kid out of the fresh air & sunshine & tell him to sit & watch tv... But this was the only way that Brendan was able to cope with the rest of the day in relative peace & capableness. Now I feel like we're facing this whole thing again, but exponentially. He's bigger, more definite about what he wants to do, more driven to be social- all good things. He's also much more likely to balk when asked to transition from what he wants to do, to get hurt during a meltdown, & the emotional pain seems much more acute these days, with the added power of the OCD. He says he wants to die when he's in this kind of pain & this is terribly scary. We feel a very real fear that we may lose him someday to this impulse.

The upshot of it all is that I feel oppressed whenever I feel I'm being told that I "should" have a certain attitude toward raising my autistic son. Those who would minimise his & our difficulties by trying to compare them to those of being or raising a non-verbal autistic child are missing the point- Brendan's difficulties are real. His experiences are real & to describe him as "high-functioning autistic" has no value to him, personally. It oppresses him & us. It says "look how well off you are compared to this other person". He's still an apple in a world that values & prefers oranges. To tell him that he's a better-tasting (in some people's view) apple doesn't make things better. This relative valuation also gives messages about whose life is potentially more satisfying. It tells us that we should be happier because of our son's relative functioning, & that's just not right or true. I believe that anyone can be happy with any child, if they accept them for who they are & are willing to engage life fully with them- not from above & looking down on them, not from below & pushing them where they don't want to go. My life with Brendan is full of many things- most of them good, many of them wonderful. This doesn't mean that I am in Pollyanna unquestioning acquiescence of everything that happens. I hurt for Brendan, I worry about him. I occasionally let myself worry about the future (I'm trying to practise the buddhist concept of non-attatchment, for sanity's sake if nothing else). He challenges, me, too- my assumptions have to be rethought all the time. Thoughful comments in this blog often open my mind to things even my semi-aspie mind haven't imagined about where Brendan's at & why he does what he does. Charlie & I find life almost too full sometimes, but we are fully engaged with each other & with our child. There is great power & meaning in such engagement with life.

So... I am hurting from Brendan's difficult weekend (& somewhat difficult morning at school- I got a call & talked to him a bit after he was overwhelmed by tics at school). Somehow this hurt got me thinking about the messages we give & receive about autism & our children & families. And maybe, too, about life. To aspire to a pain-free life seems to me to be a waste of time & effort, & also foolish. Look what we learn from pain. To be angry about the pain is also fruitless. Through the pain I can still say that I love my kid no matter how he is. His life is very precious. I can worry terribly about losing him, but still see how important it is to help him learn, as much as possible, to launch himself beyond us. He is very courageous. He keeps trying- tells dumb jokes, jumps down the stairs, looks forward to the next event at Adventure Quest, sits at the girls table at lunch... he takes risks. He models such good behaviour for me, so what can I do but follow & love his & our lives together ?

Braces, pt. 1...

Today we slept in a bit, since Brendan wasn't due at the orthodontist's until 9:00 am, about 45 minutes after we usually arrive at school. (Missing some school has been part of the charm of having to get braces :) Brendan had a tough time getting to sleep last night, in spite of having gone sledding in the afternoon, & intermittently had more than usual difficulty with tics yesterday, but also did some good work in overcoming them. He didn't want to go into the kitchen for dinner due to a tic, but I calmly reminded him that he had de-ticced other things & that he could do this, too. At this point he was sitting on the sofa headed for meltdown, so I asked him if he could stand up & he said he could... & when he did I slowly led him into the kitchen, where dinner was all laid out on the table. Charlie had poured us some wine & surprised Brendan by pouring him a teeny glass of his own. This proved sufficient distraction to get him to the table. All thoughts of tic were lost in sampling the wine & then drowning it in tonic water to make it taste better :) His difficulty falling asleep led to his waking up around 7:00, rather than his usual 6:30 (with time to read or watch tv until 7:00) so it was good to have the extra half-hour for him to settle into the day.

He bounced into the orthodontist's office in a mild state of excitement & they were ready for him almost immediately. It was clear that I was expected to wait in the waiting room this time & he didn't seem to need me, so although it felt odd, I let him go. A couple of times a technician came out to report that he was doing very well which was really nice of them. I tried to concentrate on my kanji practice while I waited. I have decided that the only way to learn to read kanji is to learn to write it, so I purchased a workbook a few weeks ago & have been working away when I have the time. It's been really good to do because learning kanji has deepened my understanding of japanese language concepts (today I discovered that the kanji for "understand" is the same as "divide"- to break down into smaller bits, maybe?). It's also helped me to understand why there's more than one pronounciation for most concepts (the original, imported chinese pronounciations & the adopted japanese ones). Tomoko likes the book I got & has been a great resource for answering questions that come up as I work. Drawing the kanji is a challenge & after a while I feel as though my brain is going to explode, which is when I know to take a break :) I've been thinking of ways to share some of this with Brendan, too, because I think he'd really enjoy it. It's like the ultimate secret code...

After about 45 minutes Brendan came & got me. He was still upbeat & showed me the wire in the brackets that had been cemented all along his upper teeth. The technician had him sit back in the chair & showed us a series of goodies for him to take home & how to use them. There was wax to cover any brackets that irritate his lips, samples of special fluoride paste that he could sample to see what flavour I should get for him (by prescription!), a new toothbrush & new rules for brushing, flossing threaders & how to use them... By this time I could tell Brendan was getting spacey from all the info, so I assured her that I'd help him out & we gathered our things to get him to school. Before we could leave, though, he had to kiss me on the cheek to make sure the brackets wouldn't hurt me. Pretty sweet... On the way he wanted to eat his snack (baked Lays) & asked me to remind him how to eat them (put one chip in at a time & chew with back molars). When he started picking at the food in his teeth I suggested he take a big swig from his water bottle to wash it out. I told him maybe he should have a toothbrush at school & he mentioned that a classmate with braces sometimes brushes her teeth after lunch. A couple of times he asked me nervously to look at the wire & make sure it was ok. I'm really glad they're taking it slowly, so Brendan can get used to the changes in stages. Right now the wire is just sitting in the brackets because they fitted the upper bands, took an impression, then took them off to have the appliance for his upper palate attatched to them, & he won't get all of that gear for 2 weeks. It will be enough for him to get used to a different & more time-consuming teeth-cleaning regimen, plus the way the brackets feel.

School was very quiet when we got there. It was 10:15 & everyone was at work. We slipped into his room & he showed Cherie, his consultant teacher the work in progress on his teeth. He went to his desk & his teacher, Jen, suggested that the class go over what they'd been discussing, to catch Brendan up. I quietly told Cherie to have him call me if he is uncomfortable or nervous. The I went home to laundry...

I had 2 calls in the morning but neither from Brendan :) One was Charlie checking up in how things went. I thought about how he's going to manage toothbrush & paste at school & decided that a zippered bag made from a wash cloth would work well (to keep things from getting too nasty-gooey), so I found a cloth & zipper & was just getting ready to figure out how to sew them together when the phone rang- it was 1:30 by then. Cherie was on the line & said that Brendan was starting to get some discomfort from the brackets, so I said I'd come over to get him (it was just half an hour before I usually go get him). They were playing a game in her room & Brendan was sucking on a lollie when I got there. Cherie said she wasn't sure about the lollie but it seemed to be helping... I told her as long as he didn't crunch it they were fine, although we both agreed that he can't go through the day every day sucking lollies either. She said he'd eaten his lunch in stages, some before outside time & some after, but that he'd really had a great day. I told Brendan that after his snack he could brush his teeth & then I'd stick some wax to the offending brackets.

On the way into the house I asked him if I could take picture of him & his braces for the blog, acknowledging that it was an odd request. He replied that I could & that he was glad I was not normal... I told him I was glad that he was not normal too :) He approved of the picture (said it was his "rogue's grin") after I showed it to him. We decided to freeze some orange juice in the ice cube tray to make freezies he could suck on to relieve his sore lips & they're now in the freezer. The zipper bag is made, equipped, & in his backpack. He's already dumped the first lot of wax, saying that it was annoying, & trying to lose himself in a Dragon Fable game... I'm poised to suggest a movie & knitting if that doesn't work. Wish us luck...!

Knitting & chatting...

The transition back to school after 2 days off was the least bumpy in recent memory :) Charlie mentioned to me that Brendan grumbled a bit while getting jammies on Wednesday night, but then remembered that it was just 2 days until the weekend & the grumbles subsided. By all reports he had a great day, & although he swore he wasn't going to go outside after lunch into the dirty, nasty snow to play, when he came home his snowpants were so mud-encrusted that I had to put them in the sink & scrub them. Leaving school was the toughest part of the day, which has been the pattern lately, & is something we've got the whole team- psychologist, OT, teachers- working on. When I arrived I could hear the last bit of music class wafting down the stairs. I heard the teacher's voice & then Brendan loudly declaring "I'm a vegetarian!" (He can say it in japanese, too :) When class finally broke up his music teacher, Joe, said he wanted to ask me a question (I was in the midst of collecting Scholastic book orders), & when I was free he asked if there were foods that Brendan can't eat or be around when cooking. I immediately answered that Brendan can't bear to be near cooking meat, & explained why (he can't bear the thought of animals being killed), prompting the good-natured reply "Well, there goes the fried chicken..." It turns out that Joe is planning to do cooking projects on Friday afternoons with small groups of kids & was discussing it at the end of music class (this is the sort of school where the music teacher plans cooking activities :), hence Brendan's declaration of vegetarianism. With that all sorted out & book orders collected, I aksed Brendan to get his things together so we could go home. Unfortunately, the tics started in earnest right about then & he started exploding about "these parasites" (the OCD thoughts :( I stayed calm & helped him get his things & get to the car, where he collapsed on the seat in relief. I got him talking about the day & what he'd like to do at home & he was back to his usual, cheerful self by the time we were there.

They had been learning a new song in music class today, the Poilce's "Every Breath You Take" which put me in a nostalgic mood (I saw the "Synchronicity" tour back in the summer of 1983... sigh, memories), so I suggested that we listen to the cd that the song is on ("Synchronicity") & Brendan said yes, & he also wanted to hear "Ghost in the Machine" afterwards. Can't help but feel I've raised the kid right when he knows his Police albums... :)

Brendan had mentioned earlier this week that he wanted to knit a red cap for his pokemon penguin plushie, so during the day I had found the set of knitting looms (they're like glorified spool-knitters) I'd picked up a while ago. I got the smallest one going with some thick red yarn & then after his first DragonQuest session we sat down for him to try it out. All past attempts to use something like this have ended in boredom or frustration, so I kept my expectations on the low end... & was very pleasantly surprised that he had little difficulty using it. He actually worked around it about as quickly as I did & I told him so. I also suggested that he think of this as a process, rather than worrying about when he'd be done with the project, & then he'd probably find it more enjoyable to do. At the end of the first couple of rows he needed prompting as to how to proceed, but, as I told him would happen, he got it very quickly. Next thing I knew we were sitting & chatting, he knitting away & me working with a new braiding tool that had looked interesting to try out. He started telling me about some things that had gone on during lunch at school- one kid thought another had put tacks in his shoes, so Brendan decided to ask the accused directly if he had. Then we discussed whether or not this person's reply could be believed & why or why not... when I asked him why someone would put tacks in another's shoes, he told me, "Mom, I am not an expert on how the neurotypical mind works..." which cracked me up. I had to agree, then pointed out that his atypical thinking might help them all find another way to handle the situation.

As we continued chatting about this & that we were listening to "Ghost in the Machine" (which, I have to confess, makes me want to bounce around the house rather than sit still :) & Brendan asked me about the Police. I told him about the band members, how 2 were from the UK & one, the american, is the grandson of a famous composer. He asked me, "Were they really popular, mom? Did people think they were kakkoii?" So I talked about how popular they'd been & still are (to some of us... although I've heard they're getting back together & going back out on the road after nearly 25 years, so perhaps a new generation will discover it for themselves). He wanted to know if Sting was Sting's real name or his band name... It didn't hit me until later that Brendan had used a japanese term while we were chatting. The word kakkoii (かっこいい), although translated in the dictionary as "attractive or good-looking", has the connotation of meaning "way cool" too, & I realised that Brendan used the japanese term because it's more succinctly descriptive than anything we have in english. Plus, he knew I would understand what he meant. I love this evidence that the japanese is taking hold of Brendan's imagination & vocabulary. Kakkoii!

Brendan worked on & off on the hat for the rest of the day & even this morning before school (using the timer for getting-dressed time is working wonders :). I told him that after he gets home we'll be able to cast it off & finish it, since it's big enough. He's ready to knit a whole fleet of hats for his plushies (could take quite a while...) & I'm delighted, for lots of reasons. We have been worried about finding ways to keep Brendan from putting things in his mouth while watching tv (since he's less likely to be monitoring his actions while watching tv). We found that he could watch tv & knit (we watched some Kim Possible before dinner while we knitted & braided) without any difficulty so this looks like it will work just fine to keep his hands busy. Brendan mentioned more than once yesterday that he likes the knitting. I can tell that he's motivated because not only did he pick it up before school & do a row, but he's working with red yarn & nary a tic- red is one of his trigger colours these days. The cool thing is that there's a whole set of these looms in various sizes, so when he's bored with pokemon hats... people hats!! :)

Incentives- the continuing saga...

This morning, as he took his boxer shorts out of the dresser, Brendan surprised me with a hug & a kiss :) The reason was that I had finally tie-dyed 3 pair of his new white boxers & he was quietly, but obviously, pleased. I have been making Brendan's boxers since he was in kindergarten, partly because he preferred to wear boxers & I couldn't find them in his size, partly because I made most of his clothes back then, anyway, & partly because he was so skinny that he regularly crawled out of his trousers & didn't notice. If he was wearing boxers made from fun fabrics the kids were more likely to say, "Wow, neon cats!" than laugh at him... About a year ago I made the final batch (size XL) from the KwikSew pattern for boys' boxers & went looking for a men's-sized pattern that was as easy to make. I finally found one, but what I had trouble finding, when it became obvious a few weeks ago that Brendan was outgrowing the last batch, was the time to make new ones. Charlie encouraged me to find some store-bought ones, since Brendan's no longer too teeny to find them easily, so I checked out the Dharma Trading Company site, where you can get plain white clothing (for dyeing, etc) inexpensively, & found some boxers that would fit Brendan. But, of course, fit isn't the only issue... When the boxers arrived Brendan unfortunately got a look at the packaging, which featured a guy wearing only boxers of course, & it triggered an OCD thought & tic. So for the first few weeks every time he put them on he had to go through an elabourate de-ticcing ritual. I asked if dyeing them would help & he said it would... then he waffled & wasn't sure. It was getting easier for him to put them on, but he's always loved jazzy boxers, so I decided to tie-dye a few anyway. When I asked him which colours would be ok to use (becase there are OCD thoughts attached to certain colours) he said blue would be ok. So, I tied 3 pair & got them soaking in the soad-ash solution that makes the dyes stick (I use Procion dyes because they're really bright & long-lasting). Then I discovered that I had about half an inch of turquoise dye left in the bottle & no other blues at all. So Friday after school we went out to the art store & I had Brendan pick out 3 more blues. Saturday morning I made the dye solutions & did the dyeing, & by Sunday afternoon they were rinsed & washed. He liked them when I showed them to him, but wasn't effusive, hence my surprise when he kissed me this morning upon opening his undies drawer :) Sooo... I am finding that dyeing just 3 pairs wasn't enough & am looking around for more stuff to dye (oooh- I just got Charlie some new boxers, too.... evil laugh).

Charlie didn't have to work Saturday morning so it was one of those unplanned-but-busy-anyway mornings. While I was dyeing boxers Charlie & Brendan made brownies from scratch (we have a great recipe that uses whole wheat flour as the base)- a double batch with some for us & some for church. Our congregation belongs to an interfaith hospitality network that hosts homeless families for a week, 4 times a year. During that week volunteers make the meals & stay overnight with the guests. The families move from church to church & during the weekdays they attend programmes designed to help them get jobs & housing of their own. It's the only local programme that allows families to stay together (usually men go to a men's shelter & women & children go to a women's shelter) & it has a high success rate. So, half the brownies were going for dinner at church for our guests. Charlie dropped them off after our japanese lesson.

We hadn't had a lesson for a couple of weeks because Tomoko was interviewing in 3 different states for doctoral programmes, since she's graduating with her masters in family therapy & counselling in May. We'd really missed her & spent some time catching up (she had some stories about her travels, since this is not the time of year to be flying in or our of the northeastern US...). She also told us that her sister has made reservations, for the weekend we'll be staying with her family in Japan, at not only an Onsen (hot springs resort) but at a traditional Ryokan as well. It's a very traditional place with a fireplace in the middle of the room & sounds way cool. I've seen pictures, & the thought of actually staying at one is mind-boggling. We also talked about the daily rhythms we've found are best for Brendan when we travel. We usually do anything exciting in the morning, when energy is high, & eat out, then have a quiet afternoon at our hotel (or where-ever). Tomoko said she'd let her family know about this. It looks like the afternoons will be spent in the car, over the weekend, which should be just fine since Brendan travels well & sitting in the car would qualify as down-time. We always travel with the laptop (& plug-in power converter) so he can play games or watch a movie. Brendan was getting kind of antsy as we chatted about all these things, so I was giving him some deep pressure on his arms while we talked. He got right to the lesson, though, when we began. It turns out that March 3rd (3-3) was Hinamatsuri, which is the girls' doll festival. So our lesson was a conversation between InuYasha & friends, with the women explaining the festival to him, then everybody going out to a restaurant for special food. I learned the very useful term "okosamaranchi" which mean's "kid's lunch" (the "ranchi" part is how the word "lunch" sounds in japanese) & Tomoko included the kanji for this term so that I'll recognise it when we see it on menus in Japan. We also talked about how to ask them to "hold the meat" when we order one... a must for our veggie kid (he has memorised the phrase which means "I am vegetarian" :).

In the afternoon we watched (& giggled through) the rest of the Kim Possibles I'd downloaded on Friday. Paula came to dinner - we'd been hoping her son Ck would be home from college on break, too, but his flight was cancelled due to bad weather, so we enjoyed Paula's company & are hoping to see him some time this week.

Sunday Charlie & Brendan stayed home from church because the Sunday School classes can't meet in their classrooms on the weeks that we have guests sleeping in the church ('cause that's where they sleep!) & so they all do an activity together (except my Sr. High kids, whose room is only used if there are a lot of guests). Brendan doesn't cope well with this sort of change in schedule, so we've decided to give him the day off. I not only had Sunday School but a music committee meeting after church (I'm the committee chairperson) so I went to church. It was odd to be there without my guys, but it was fun & we got a lot of work done at the meeting. When I got home, around 2:00 pm. Brendan had a school friend over & Charlie was vetting them through their play time together. Friend is also on the spectrum & Charlie has determined that he & Brendan do much better together if they have a schedule. When he mentioned a schedule to the boys, friend piped-up "Yes, I do much better when I have a schedule." which made us grin when Charlie told me about it later. And they did :) They started out playing a 3-way game of war (the card game), which friend won, then the boys moved on to half an hour of Dragon Fable (Brendan's newest Adventure Quest-type game), then settled down to watch "The Incredibles". There was an intemission with brownies ala mode, & after the movie there was time to show friend the sock-puppet easter egg we'd found on disc 2 (it's the whole movie acted out by sock puppets- it's a hoot!). After friend left Brendan played more Dragon Fable & then helped Charlie make burritos for dinner. Charlie told me later in the evening that Brendan told him, when he realised that the weekend was nearly over, that "There will be another weekend soon.", which was the first time he's actually taken a positive philisophical approach to the impending school week.

During dinner Brendan asked me how he was doing with the swearing part of his behavioural charting. During the school break week we had decided to separate out the swearing component (because he wasn't earning anything ever, it was such a problem, so his appropriate behaviours weren't being rewarded) & make it into a separate category with a separate incentive. He had found some supplemental pokemon card packs at the grocery store, so we decided to use them as the first incentive for the swearing chart. When we set up the guidelines for this chart we established which words were considered swear words & I asked Brendan to choose how many days he has to refrain from swearing before he earns the first incentive, & he thought 5 days would be fair. (This means 5 days cumulatively, not in a row...) By yesterday he had earned 4 stickers, but it had taken him 11 days to get this far, partly, I think, because he'd forgotten all about the incentive & partly because when it started he was not as "het up" about pokemon cards as he's been in the past. I reminded him some time last week about the incentive for the swearing chart, & wouldn't you know, he got all excited about pokemon cards again... He earned the last 4 stickers all in a row, he was so motivated. He & dad started playing pokemon card games again over the weekend, to much excitement about customising the decks with cards he's acquired over the past few months. Last night, right before he went to sleep. Brendan asked if he'd earned the final sticker & I told him he had. He then asked if he could open them up before school (in the past he's had to wait until after school because there's no time before). I told him that if he got dressed & ate breakfast quickly, then he could open the cards.

This morning, he was dressed wayyyy before I was, so I suggested that he go downstairs & start getting his breakfast. When I came down he annouced that he was having "bread with butter, & milk". He had cut himself a slice of bread (& done a great job of it- Charlie's been working with him on using the bread knife) (ps: I make most of our bread in the bread machine, hence the need to slice it), buttered it & poured his milk. I put his medicine in the little bowl & then went to put laundry in. He was finishing up as I got my own breakfast, & he wasn't frantic or anything, just moving along at a nice pace. He brushed his teeth & finally got the cards out & opened the packs. I heard lots of ooohing & ahhing (there were 4 "rare" cards & other ones he's been wanting- a real haul :) as he opened them. Then he took them upstairs & played with his legos until it was time to go to school.

I feel as though we had the benefit of 2 different incentive systems going this morning- the timer system for getting dressed, which has given him the ability to make the most of his time in the morning, & then the pokemon cards in exchange for being mindful of his language, which will eventually become a habit that is it's own reward. We've got the next incentive lined-up, too. It's a cute little penguin pokemon plushie from the new "Diamond & Pearl" series & Brendan is just itching to take off the tags & make it his own... :)

Some things to be happy about...

The getting-dressed-for-school timer is working! The past 2 mornings Brendan has been dressed in record time & happily legoed for the rest of the 15 minutes until the timer has gone off. Not only that, but we've both had a lot more energy at & after breakfast. Yesterday I had time to empty the dishwasher between breakfast & leaving for school- a first. I think we're on to something... :)

Brendan has been on the lower dose of seroquel for 9 days now & there has been no significant sign of any difficulty. He's falling to sleep just fine & although he's a wee bit ticcier in the morning, he manages just fine. I would shout hooray, but I'm too superstitious... :)

This week back to school has gone very well. Brendan has found a great deal to enjoy at school every day this week. This afternoon I went in at 12:30 to work with him for an hour on Japanese. We began our session just after outside time (which he said wasn't as enjoyable because the snow was all "scummy", & then proceded to explain to me that he thought his preoccupation with hygeine was due to his being autistic... his words :) & it was obvious that he was still not quite ready to settle down, so I asked if he wanted some deep pressure & he said yes (!). So I stood behind him, as his OT has shown me, & pressed down for about 30 seconds. He said it felt great & that he was ready to work. (As a side note, we have a family joke about the future of my giving him deep pressure, as he is now just 4 inches shorter than I am... I told him today that soon I'll be hanging off his shoulders in order to do it, which made him giggle.) It was a great japanese session. His recognition of the katakana is coming along nicely & he read hiragana to me for about 15 minutes (from our new "manga moods" book). We played "I see something" in japanese for the last 15 minutes & that was a hoot. Next time I'll bring in one of the picture dictionaries so we can say the names of even more objects in japanese...

I found that iTunes has new Kim Possible episodes for downloading, so I purchased 6 today. Brendan & I had a great time watching the first 3 this afternoon. That Rufus... :)

And... remember the wool I spun into yarn a couple of weeks ago? I finished knitting my new mittens this afternoon. Yay! In the end I decided to make lined mittens- the one on the bottom in the picture has the lining pulled out. I had finished another skein of handspun just to get it off the bobbin (where it had been languishing for 2 years...) & it was so soft I thought it would make a great lining for my mittens. This winter was so cold & my greeter job at school has me opening & closing the door for at least half an hour, so my hands have been getting really cold. I thought the lining would help them last longer, too (my present mittens have had holes mended once already, & are ready to be mended again). I'm thinking of making a pair for Brendan now, & then maybe Charlie, too. These are warm mittens!! (Which I will not likely wear much the rest of this winter...)

Winter break is here...

I was sitting at the kitchen table the other day & was struck by the juxtaposition of items stuck to the fridge :)

We muddled through the end of last week fairly unscathed. I caught the upper-respiratory bug that Brendan had going into the class play, so things were a bit hairier than expected, but I'm feeling really proud of myself because I managed my energies well enough that Brendan & I didn't butt heads as we usually do when I'm low-energy. So far, so good... :)

Friday was going to be a tough day, though- I had agreed to do a spinning demo at Brendan's best friend's school in the late morning & would have been looking forward to it except that I was really under the weather. Plus, Tomoko's out of town for 2 of our Saturday lessons because she's interviewing for doctoral programmes all over the place, so we'd decided to have her join us for my usual Friday afternoon japanese lesson with Brendan at school. She has applied to do some substitute teaching at school, since she's done with her master's work & is waiting for graduation & then a stint back in Japan before coming back to the US to begin her doctorate, & would like to work (she's waitressing, too). Everybody at school is excited about the prospect of having Tomoko subbing there (especially Brendan), so we thought we'd follow up our lesson with a tour of the school & various introductions.

Sooo... by Thursday afternoon I decided that I wasn't sick enough to email the teacher I was doing the spinning demo for & tell her I couldn't come, & had started getting excited about doing it (as I often do- I really love demonstrating handspinning to kids :). I gathered up all of my various things to show (garments made from handspun, fibres from a variety of animals, tools) & baskets to carry them it, & was looking for the bag that I sometimes carry my wheel in (it collapses to an easier carrying shape, although it's still really heavy) when I found some really gorgeous wool I'd purchased a couple of years ago. Something clicked in my mind, so I hauled the wool out, too, along with the carry bag.

Getting Brendan out of bed on Friday morning went easier than usual because it was the last day before break & because Tomoko was coming to school in the afternoon. It was such a relief to have him in a good mood, & a blessing because I wasn't frazzled before we even got in the car & so had the energy to cope with the rather horrid driving conditions- 2 days after the snow storm! (I think it was more people on the road that made things really bad, compared to Thursday...) After doing my door greeting & getting Brendan settled, I zoomed home to iron my 1870's dress & apron for the demo, got dressed, put up my hair, loaded up the car, & was off to the demo. They were having colonial days (the 4th grade at this school does this unit at the same time every year) so many of the kids were dressed-up as well. I joked with the teacher that, if she plans to have me demo every year I'll have to make a colonial costume (this was my second time demonstrating for colonial days). There were 40 kids gathered around, including a friend of Brendan's from Sunday School (a nice surprise), & they were great. Attentive, with a lot of questions & also kind to the samples that I passed around for them to see & feel up close. After about 50 mintues I packed it all up, zoomed home, changed clothes & wolfed down a piece of pizza, & 15 minutes later Tomoko was at the door (!).

We hopped in my car & drove to school (the roads had finally been cleared & the drive was almost pleasant...). Brendan greeted us by shouting Tomoko's name & then excitedly introducing her to everyone in sight :) Paula, our friend & director of the school, kindly let us have our lesson in her office while she worked (space is at a premium & so people get used to sharing). We played some games to help us to remember adjectives & then it was time to show Tomoko around school. When we left school we took Brendan with us, & when we got home we hugged Tomoko goodbye & wished her well with her interviews. Brendan & I went in & had snack & then I collapsed on the sofa while he played Adventure Quest &, after his timer went off, he went upstairs to play. I was pretty exhausted but managed to put some dinner together for us (Grammie was still too sick to come over) & then Charlie pretty much took over. We watched a couple of episodes of "Pee Wee's Playhouse" from the dvd set I'd given Charlie for Christmas before bed & Rachel Carson had Brendan asleep within 10 minutes :)

Charlie & Brendan had decided to make it an early morning on Saturday & go work on the snow fort some before breakfast (allowing me to sleep-in undisturbed- those angels!). The snow fort is a neighbourhood project- there is a small, triangular park in the middle of our road, where it splits into a "Y", & the snow plows deposit snow at the tip of the "Y" that makes a very good base for digging & tunneling. Brendan & the other neighbourhood boys of around the same age discovered this a couple of winters ago, but last winter there wasn't any snow to speak of, causing great disappointment. So this winter the snow fort has been a continuing group project, particularly since the snow keeps falling & filling-in the tunnels so they need to be re-made. My guys had wanted to get back out there because Brendan had a school friend coming over later in the morning & they wanted to have some of the tunnels re-started so it would be more fun to play in. They were out from about 7:00 to 8:30, then came back for breakfast just about the time I was up & getting ready to eat.

After getting home from the demo yesterday, I had set my wheel back up & got out the coulourful wool I'd found. When I weighed the wool I decided I probably had enough to make yarn for new mittens, which I really need. So after breakfast on Saturday I got to work. One of the things I really love about demos or teaching workshops is that they really spark me to get to work on my own projects. Last April I taught a shawl workshop for the knitting guild & I have produced probably 15-20 shawls since then... When I did that demo at Brendan's school a few weeks ago, after the llama visit, I realised how much I'd been missing spinning on the wheel, so I left it out in the living room where I could get at it more easily. The coloured wool spun beautifully with minimal pre-drafting & the colours were so beautiful as they slipped through my fingers. Here's the bobbin part-way filled, with some of the loose roving beside it:

Brendan's school buddy & his mom arrived around 10:30, so she & I chatted while Charlie & the boys took off for the snow fort. It was a nice opportunity for his mom & me to catch up. Both our boys have been at Cobblestone since first grade, although not always in the same class. They both have AS & so we, as families, have a lot in common, plus we live within a mile of each other! However, it's never been an easy thing to get these guys together, since their "strong" interests have never really dovetailed & this has prevented them from having much to say to each other over the years. Brendan had actually figured out that this kid also had AS & it's been a comfort to him, I think, knowing there's another kid in his class that is dealing with similar things. They both had lead roles int he class play, so Charlie thought it would be fun to get them together to play, then go to a community theatre production of "Oliver!" in the afternoon. So, after a lunch of ramen (something both boys really love these days), they all went off to the play & I stayed home & went to bed for a few hours, still feeling pretty under the weather.

Charlie & Brendan came home with mixed reviews of the play- both Brendan & his friend had been appalled by the treatment of the orphans in the play, so they hadn't gotten caught-up in the fun or the music as much as other kids might have. Charlie thought it was a great performance, with lots of really good local talent. (Brendan's opinion has mellowed over the past couple of days, actually, as he remembers particularly fun scenes & songs.) After a snack, Brendan really wanted to go back to the snow fort, so Charlie ordered pizza for dinner, left the money by the door for me to pay the delivery person, then they went back out. I happily spun my pretty wool & popped a "Fruits Basket" dvd in the laptop, japanese with no subtitles, to see how much I could get by ear... The pizza finally arrived & I thought the guys should have seen the delivery car, but they didn't come in. I waited by the front window, wondering if I should go out, when I finally say them walking up the sidewalk. When they came in, Brendan was crying... He'd had a nasty scare. He went feet-first into one of the tunnels, but for some reason (we suspect motor-planning stuff) he bent his knees rather than going straight in & got really stuck. Charlie had to get help from a neighbour to dig him out & he was stuck for about 10 minutes. Poor kid! He kept saying that he thought he was going to die, & had me in tears when he said he was afraid he'd die before he saw Rufus again... We assured him that this was the reason he never goes alone to the snow fort & that dad would never have allowed him to die... He was one huggy kid for the rest of the evening. Some more "Pee Wee" before bed finally got him smiling again.

Sunday morning was a blur... I didn't really want to go to church -I'd started coughing overnight & felt kind of rotten- but both of my Sunday School class kids were going to be there & Charlie had a meeting after church, so I would have to bring Brendan home. And there was choir practise & we were singing a neat song (the South African national anthem, in Zulu!), so I got myself together & held it together through church, lunchtime, & early afternoon until Charlie came home. Brendan had a good time in Sunday School & was happily plugged into AQ after lunch, so it wasn't hard to do. I got to sleep some more in the afternoon & felt well enough after dinner to ply the bobbin of colourful wool (it all fit on one bobbin) & skein & wash it. Here's the finished skein:

Whee! Mittens ho!

And a good start to break week... We got a lazy start this morning & plan to re-watch the 4th InuYasha movie this afternoon. Tomorrow Brendan gets to spend the afternoon with his best friend (& I get to visit with his mom :). Wednesday Charlie's home & Cherie, Brendan's consultant teacher, is coming over to stay with Brendan in the afternoon while we parental units go to see Brendan's psychologist, so he's really psyched about that. It's shaping up for a good balance of activities & relaxation!